New horizon

Dear blog,

It's me again. I know you're tired of my emo rants lately, please bear with me. I guess it's true when they say it's a new day, new horizon...because everything seems so yesterday when you wake up the next day though sometimes you can't help but to feel like each new day is a continuation of that emo-ness you felt the previous day. But I digress. Today I woke up feeling much better...physically and emotionally. Yay!

Had a short chat with my bro last night because I was kind of desperate to talk to someone. I'm not exactly extremely close to my brother but we do find each other when we have things to rant/talk about. So yesterday I asked him if I could pack my bags and leave already. All he did was to say the things that I needed to hear (not necessarily the things I want to hear) and I felt much better after crying again. I finally experienced that overwhelming pain when you're truly missing someone so much. I really do miss everyone back home.

Do we feel because we're human, or are we human because we feel?

p.s.: I'm sure when I look back I'll laugh over all my emo blog posts...patiently waiting for that day to come.

XOXO

怎么样才能够停止对一个人的思念？

一眼之念 一念执著
注定就此飞蛾扑火
明知是祸 为何还不知所措
最好不见 最好不念
如此才可不与你相恋
多一步的擦肩
就步步沦陷

是时间的过错
让我们只能错过
我多想念 你多遥远
早知道是苦果
这一刻也不想逃脱
可惜这字眼太刺眼
两个世界之后
只好 情深 缘浅

你有没有试过想一个人想到胸口好闷，好像快爆炸那样？说真的，这感觉还是前所未有。我到底怎么了？！啊！！！张依灵，醒醒吧！

Another week

So time does fly...week after week, just like that!

Been sick for a week...now I can finally breathe but still find food tasteless. I wonder why I even bother seasoning my food. Haha!

The weather's not too bad today...makes me feel much better, though I'm stuck indoors. If I was in Adelaide, I would've hopped on that tram and off I go to the beach already!

I wish we have a switch for everything, just turn it on and off whenever we like. Things would be much simpler me thinks.

Short rant for today. Laters!

XOXO

Good news

Wow...2 posts in 1 day. So happy that he finally found his other half!

I always thought I'd feel sad when he eventually does but...surprisingly I don't feel sad. Instead, I'm overjoyed! Wheeee! I've waited for this moment for ages...

I have a strong feeling that when I go back to Penang, everything's gonna change for the better!

Another reason to celebrate! :D

XOXO

The moment I opened my eyes...

...I thought of someone. =) Hope that someone's having a good day today.

Was on FaceTime yesterday with my brother but as much as I'm amazed with technology, sometimes it brings so much frustrations. The connection kept disconnecting. I was able to hear him but I couldn't make out what he was trying to say. *sigh* It was good to catch up a bit but I had to shout into the microphone because my voice hasn't completely recovered from the cold.

The weather was really cold in the morning...didn't feel like getting out of bed but I know I have to face reality sooner or later. So I forced myself out of those warm covers and made breakfast, all the while still thinking of that someone. Got. To. Stop.

My poster presentation is coming up on Friday! OMG then a week later, I'd have to sit for Stats exam, and then it's holidays! Well, sort of. We have 2 assignments due right after the holidays so...not sure if it's gonna be a real holiday. hmmm...

Alright, abrupt end to a blogpost.

XOXO

I wonder...

what would have happened if I had continued studying postgraduate in Psychology straight after my fourth year of undergraduate studies?

It's quite amazing how things turn out. I remember one thing my lecturer said...it always comes to time. Sometimes something that seems good at a time would not necessarily be a good thing when you're in the future; and something that seems so terrible at a time would turn out to be a blessing afterwards. I completely agree to that because I have experienced this myself.

I still remember in year 2011, I had a huge fight with my family and even went on a hunger strike. And I didn't even celebrate my birthday then. Needless to say, I was feeling very miserable then. So I was determined to find a job, any job be it full-time or part-time, I just needed to keep myself occupied. So I started working as a part-time retail assistant, which turned out to be the biggest blessing in my life. Not only did I get to experience working in a retail industry, I also made a group of really good friends! After more than two months, I decided I needed a change of working environment so off to XX education counselling centre I went!

Well, I have mixed feelings about my 2nd job. What I loved about it was that I only had to go to work at 11am, which allowed me to sleep in a little. And because I was still working on a part-time basis, I wasn't expected much in terms of responsibilities. To be honest, I don't remember what I did the whole 6 months there, except for I don't know...having lazy moments and fooling around with my then colleague when our seniors weren't around.

One thing that never fails to make me laugh was my first impression of my then colleague (then, because now he's my friend...sort of. lol). First day of work and my boss was introducing me to the other 2 ppl in the office and he didn't even look up. I wasn't even sure if I should say hi or just walk to my 'corner'. Felt really awkward...until one day he asked if I wanted to go out for lunch. Honestly, I kind of felt relieved because I finally got to escape my corner for a while and OMG someone to talk to! *tears of joy* I haven't talked in the office at all since I started working there. You wouldn't know how torturing it is for me, a girl who talks non-stop 24/7 and laughs randomly when thinks of something funny. I think throughout that 6 months, I did change to become a person who controls myself a lot more - think before speaking etc.

Now 1 year and 3 months later, we're still friends...in fact we kept in touch quite a lot even after I've stopped working there. Then again, this makes me wonder...if I had gone into Masters right after my bachelor's degree, I wouldn't have worked as a RA and gotten to know my friends whom I'm still in close contact with; and if I hadn't changed jobs to work at XX education counselling centre, I wouldn't have gotten to know my then colleague, right? Oh, and not forgetting...I wouldn't have gotten the chance to drive around Penang and getting to know the roads! I've learnt the existence of so many roads in Penang just because I got lost a lot!

Just 2 months ago, I was contemplating to come to the UK or to defer it to next year because I wasn't mentally prepared to leave. However, my mom was determined to get me on that plane! lol. Well I think she did the right thing, if I hadn't gotten on that plane, I don't think I'd ever get myself to. Time really does fly...it's been 2 months...soon it'd be 3 months, 4 months...and then it'd be time to pack my bags and go home! A few nights ago when I was feeling terribly sick, I had a dream. In that dream, I felt the excitement of going home....I was happily packing all my things to be shipped home. I remember that smile on my face. I was genuinely happy. But of course when I woke up, the excitement faded.

Before I forget, I think staying back in Penang in 2011 was awesome because I also got to bond better with my college friends. We weren't exactly close back in college and when one of them went to Adelaide to complete her final year of undergraduate studies, we became a little closer. But it was our wed night market outings that got us much closer. As her bf is in Manchester, we always joke about how she's in a LDR with 2 people. lol. I think I tend to think way too much, like how when I get so excited to chat with her, I can't help but wonder if she feels the same or if she feels i'm way too annoying.

Anyway, I am so thankful for many things even though my life is not perfect. I am thankful for basically everything, even the bad and the ugly, because without them I wouldn't know how to appreciate the good things in life. To everyone who makes a difference in my life - I LOVE YOU!

This picture was taken in 2008, when I was having lunch with J in Adelaide. 

Love actually is all around. 

XOXO

 

Sunshine

OK I wrote a long post and blogger.com decided to screw my post with gibberish ><

Because I'm lazy to re-type it. Here's a song I thought of while in the shower. This song brings back college memories, simply because it was introduced by a friend then. I remember listening to it on repeat for months! Enjoy!




I know this might sound crazy but I've already come up with a list of things I want to do when I go home:
1. Organise a potluck with the Popular gang
2. Go to every McD branch there is in Penang
3. Cycle around Penang island
4. Get a haircut - I know I'd definitely get lazy to do this, thus the reminder
5. Baking with M

Anyway, today I felt way better than I did 2 days ago although nose still blocked, probably because today's weather was awesome! Sunshine!!!

p/s: I should really stop bugging my friends and blog more.
XOXO

Voice-less

Looks like I've been blogging very frequently lately. Well, last week was really an emotional week. Wasn't sure if it was due to the weather, homesickness or PMS. When I finally returned to normal, I fell sick. I guess to me falling sick is the worst thing that could happen to me amidst all the work that I need to get done. It isn't too bad if I get to sleep and sleep and sleep but somehow I don't really take naps when I'm studying abroad for fear that I might not able to get up from my sleep/not being able to fall asleep at night.

As I only have classes on Wednesdays and Fridays, I stay indoors on days that I don't have classes. However, on Tuesday I fell sick and I just HAD to get some foods that could make me feel better so I braved the cold (wore a jacket over my PJ's) and got myself some lemons. If I were at home, my typical day would be drink lemon water, sleep, toilet, drink lemon water, sleep, toilet....you get the idea. I had class yesterday so I brought some lemon water along to class, which did make me feel better. My sore throat was getting better though I still had a runny nose. By 10pm I felt so so so tired that I went to bed early. And the weirdest thing happened - I was sweating profusely in the middle of the night - and that woke me up so I took off my socks BUT then I woke up again because my feet were feeling cold. Argh! How do I get a good night's rest if I'm feeling hot and cold all the time?!

Woke up today, thought to myself "hmmm...no more sore throat, yay!" but I was so so so wrong! I tried to sing and all I got was a croak. No voice came out from my throat. *SIGH* I had to keep clearing my throat which was sooooo annoying!!!! Went to an extra class today and I was secretly hoping that the tutor would NOT ask me questions because I sounded so awful!

Did I mention that I have a blocked nose too? Gah...breathing through my mouth is just sooo.... So in short, I've been feeling miserably sick. So now breathing is just so difficult and I thought this song suited my mood at the moment. lol. Awesome song to be emo to.




XOXO

Is time ever enough?

They say everything takes time. When you're in a situation, it feels like time is just creeping by really slowly. Sometimes you might think time isn't moving at all and you wonder to yourself when all of these would be over.

It's been 2 months since I arrived here. Two months is not long yet it's not very short either. Every time I'm away from home, I learn a little bit more about myself which I have never known...which is kind of scary in a way. At times I wonder if I do have a psychological issue (e.g., depression, bipolar). Many times when I laugh here, that laughter doesn't last...it fades away like vapour in the wind. And then I'm back in my room all alone, facing those four walls. I would look out at the sky but the sky here is gloomy most of the time, so there's no point in looking at it.

I talk to myself so often I think I might go crazy. On normal days, I'd have the following conversation with myself:

Me: You've got to snap out of this! You've got to be strong!
Me2: I know...but sometimes I can't help it...
Me: You know you've got to do what a girl's got to do!!
Me2: I guess you're right...I'll try...
Me: You can do this!
Me2: I guess...

That's how I encourage myself when I have no one to talk to. I can't possibly keep looking for someone to talk to when I need to. Everyone has their own lives to live. Their world doesn't revolve around just me. When friends and family ask how I'm coping/doing, my usual standard reply would be "fine...good good, all normal" because there's no point in saying what's true when awkward silence would follow.  I recently find that I get unusually emotional AFTER talking to my family. I always thought that talking to them would make me feel much better but right after I hang up, my tears decide to just come out and have some fun.

In a way I'm thankful that I'm out of my comfort zone at the moment. I am able to take a step back and see things more clearly. When I was in my comfort zone, I was under the protective wings of my family, being surrounded by friends to some extent I feel overwhelmed. I always longed for some alone time. How ironic...Now that I can have all the alone time in the world, I'd rather be surrounded by family and friends. I guess "you" are right, humans 'fan jian'. lol.

So I ponder on many many things, such as how change is inevitable in this world and that we have to learn to accept it, no matter how unwilling we feel. Had a 2-hour conversation with a friend of 14 years who is working in the US yesterday. We shared our feelings about going home and one thing she said that struck me was "I used to want to leave Malaysia and never go back, but as I grow older I realise that I just want to go home! I just want to pack my bags and leave!" At that moment I didn't feel so alone. I feel exactly the same way! My initial plan was to stay in the UK to find an internship or a job but now the plan's out the window! When I finish studying, I would want to fly home immediately. Forget about all the pounds that I could be earning, I just want to go home. I want to see my adorable niece and nephew grow up, spend time with them, and be a part of every happy occasion.

As I've been feeling emotional lately, you seem to find me at the right time every time. Come to think of it, I feel terrible. When you were going through difficult times, I was at a loss of words to say or things to do to cheer you up. I thank you for being so selfless, I don't know why I deserve a friend like you. Really. Sometimes I feel like I don't deserve the people around me but yet God has brought each and everyone of you into my life! Perhaps this is a way for me to learn to appreciate the people around me.

p/s: So sorry to whoever that is still reading this. Nothing happy has really happened in my life and I really need to "pen down" my frustrations.

I wonder

what I would've done if I hadn't done Psychology. Sometimes I do think that I don't have the "talent" in studying. Doing assignments stresses me out to the core...makes me emo a LOT. I was browsing through Facebook (procrastinating as usual) and I came across a Facebook page my primary schoolmate sent me, asking me to "like" it. So apparently she opened her own music school. I still remember how she wasn't that good academically in school but she always had a passion for music. She played the piano and violin brilliantly! Now when I look at myself, I can't help but to wonder if I hadn't stopped music classes, or Taekwondo classes, or other fun classes that I used to love would I be doing something different now? What if I was never meant to do Psychology or worse still, masters?


"'What' and 'if' are two words as non-threatening as words can be, 
but put them together side by side and they have the power to haunt you for the rest of your life. What if....what if..." - Letters to Juliet

人怎么不会吸取教训？

人真的很奇怪 － 往往得不到的是最好的；得到了才发现原来自己并没有这么想要；失去了，又才来后悔为何当初不珍惜。

Blue...

I never understood why people use "blue" to describe feelings of down-ness. I mean, blue is my favourite colour and if I was given the choice, I would choose everything blue! So, for me blue is the colour that describes both happiness and sadness (not so much of sadness, but emo-ness). 

I've been here for 7 weeks already. Time sure does fly when you're busy with your life, which is a good thing sometimes - when you need to get your mind off certain things. I still remember that feeling when I just arrived, everything was in a mess. Having to settle down quickly and catching up on missed lectures, readings and assignments was too much for me to handle. At one point I really wanted to just pack my bags and leave, forget about what I wanted to pursue, forget about why I even bothered coming here in the first place. I REALLY WANTED TO LEAVE! 

There was an internal conflict for 2 weeks or so. I kept telling myself to be strong, I did it 5 years ago, I can do it this time - the final time! Although I was alone physically, I wasn't alone because God is here with me. But I guess somehow I overlooked that point and continued to dwell in the fact that I was alone! Desperate for some human interaction, I tried to rush home every day around the time when everyone would be online so that I could at least catch up with some of my friends. I even stayed home for 2-3 consecutive days when I didn't have classes, just so I could catch people online. LOL

However, this whole rushing-home-to-chat thing wasn't exactly working for me as I'm 8 hours behind Malaysian time and when my friends back home said good night one by one, I was yet again left feeling very lonely. So I stopped myself from doing things according to the time back home and just went with the flow - doing the things I need to get done and work at my own time and pace. I also told myself to truly experience Nottingham because I'd be here for only a year and 1 year is really a short time. I am sure that when the time comes for me to leave, I'd feel the unwillingness too as I create my own memories here - the good and the bad; the sweet and the bitter. 

Slowly I'm getting used to being alone (but not lonely) - I get to do everything at my own pace, not having to conform to others' schedules. I still remember how I always get so cranky when I'm being woken up by any of my family members. Nobody should ever mess with my sleep! Going grocery-shopping alone allows me to de-stress as I plan what to cook/eat that afternoon/night. But sometimes being alone has its down side. Walking on the street seeing happy groups of friends talking and laughing without a care in the world, I wish I was back home where I could do the same. I think I hardly laugh from the heart since I stepped foot on Nottingham, I've become more quiet and reserved that it scares me sometimes. Is this me? Is this really me? I feel like I have two sides of me - the crazy side and the reserved side. I can't even tell which is the real me anymore. Perhaps it depends whom I'm around with. 

On sunny days, I walk around the city with a big smile on my face feeling that nothing can ever put me down! It's funny how when I was back home, I complained about the heat a lot! I'm usually quite heat-tolerant but I just dislike the fact that I start to sweat even right after a shower. Since it rains here most of the time and the weather is often gloomy, I really really cherish sunny days a LOT! You don't know how happy I am on sunny days. I guess my classmate is pretty tired of hearing me say "OMG It's sunny today!!! I love it!" on every sunny day. HAHAHA 

Somehow today I woke up feeling a little blue without a reason. Maybe there is but I don't know what it is. It definitely cannot be PMS because it's history. lol. Maybe I'm starting to get homesick again...missing all the outings back home. I really miss just being myself, without being judged by my close friends. I'm also missing my bed terribly! T_T I've been having backaches every day when I wake up because of the mattress. I got it replaced but it's still not as firm as the one I have back home. *sigh*

So it's lunchtime again...gotta go cook!

XOXO

Me