They say everything takes time. When you're in a situation, it feels like time is just creeping by really slowly. Sometimes you might think time isn't moving at all and you wonder to yourself when all of these would be over.
It's been 2 months since I arrived here. Two months is not long yet it's not very short either. Every time I'm away from home, I learn a little bit more about myself which I have never known...which is kind of scary in a way. At times I wonder if I do have a psychological issue (e.g., depression, bipolar). Many times when I laugh here, that laughter doesn't last...it fades away like vapour in the wind. And then I'm back in my room all alone, facing those four walls. I would look out at the sky but the sky here is gloomy most of the time, so there's no point in looking at it.
I talk to myself so often I think I might go crazy. On normal days, I'd have the following conversation with myself:
Me: You've got to snap out of this! You've got to be strong!
Me2: I know...but sometimes I can't help it...
Me: You know you've got to do what a girl's got to do!!
Me2: I guess you're right...I'll try...
Me: You can do this!
Me2: I guess...
That's how I encourage myself when I have no one to talk to. I can't possibly keep looking for someone to talk to when I need to. Everyone has their own lives to live. Their world doesn't revolve around just me. When friends and family ask how I'm coping/doing, my usual standard reply would be "fine...good good, all normal" because there's no point in saying what's true when awkward silence would follow. I recently find that I get unusually emotional AFTER talking to my family. I always thought that talking to them would make me feel much better but right after I hang up, my tears decide to just come out and have some fun.
In a way I'm thankful that I'm out of my comfort zone at the moment. I am able to take a step back and see things more clearly. When I was in my comfort zone, I was under the protective wings of my family, being surrounded by friends to some extent I feel overwhelmed. I always longed for some alone time. How ironic...Now that I can have all the alone time in the world, I'd rather be surrounded by family and friends. I guess "you" are right, humans 'fan jian'. lol.
So I ponder on many many things, such as how change is inevitable in this world and that we have to learn to accept it, no matter how unwilling we feel. Had a 2-hour conversation with a friend of 14 years who is working in the US yesterday. We shared our feelings about going home and one thing she said that struck me was "I used to want to leave Malaysia and never go back, but as I grow older I realise that I just want to go home! I just want to pack my bags and leave!" At that moment I didn't feel so alone. I feel exactly the same way! My initial plan was to stay in the UK to find an internship or a job but now the plan's out the window! When I finish studying, I would want to fly home immediately. Forget about all the pounds that I could be earning, I just want to go home. I want to see my adorable niece and nephew grow up, spend time with them, and be a part of every happy occasion.
As I've been feeling emotional lately, you seem to find me at the right time every time. Come to think of it, I feel terrible. When you were going through difficult times, I was at a loss of words to say or things to do to cheer you up. I thank you for being so selfless, I don't know why I deserve a friend like you. Really. Sometimes I feel like I don't deserve the people around me but yet God has brought each and everyone of you into my life! Perhaps this is a way for me to learn to appreciate the people around me.
p/s: So sorry to whoever that is still reading this. Nothing happy has really happened in my life and I really need to "pen down" my frustrations.