Thursday, April 18, 2013

I don't even know why...

...I'm writing this post. It's not like I have any updates (good ones) anyway.

It's just that besides praying, there's no one else I could turn to. I've been feeling extremely emotional and depressed for the past few weeks. I'm starting to feel that there's something wrong with me. Well, I blame hormones because I missed my period last month. But then again, I've never felt this way ever...

For the past 2 weeks, I kept feeling a lump in my chest. I really want to cry but I can't, and then I would cry over the most random things ever. These days I try to distant myself from everyone. I just don't feel like I'm in my best condition to interact socially, not even short conversations. However, I'd always log onto Facebook and Skype, hoping to find someone from home to talk to. Someone to hear me rant or just distract me from what I've been feeling. I'd always end up not talking to anyone in fear that I'm making them feel upset too. Even when I do talk to my mom, I'm always so happy-sounding but the moment she gets off Skype, I'm back to where I was.

Winter has gone...and Spring is finally here but I'm not feeling as happy as I thought I would, although sunshine does make everything seem a LITTLE bit better. Just a few days ago, I was feeling so down but I had an appointment with a friend to go shopping so I went anyway. The whole day, I felt like my chest was going to burst because I was suppressing my tears the whole afternoon. Really tried to cheer up and enjoyed the shopping but the moment I came home, everything's just back to how it was.

Funny thing is, everyone thinks I'm doing fine here, simply because of how happy I look in my Facebook pictures. Then again, who puts up sad pictures on Facebook? I really long to laugh again without constraints......Many times I think I really need to see a psychologist, someone to tell me what's wrong with me.

Should've showered an hour ago but ended up tearing up like no tomorrow. *sigh* Gotta suck it up and go cook dinner now. May tomorrow be a better day.

Thursday, February 07, 2013

First post of 2013

Hi! January is almost over and I just realised I haven't been writing much here. It's been 4 months since I arrived UK. Wow...time really does fly! I am happy to say that I'm feeling soooo much better except for the occasional emo moments when I get too stressed out, which is normal. :) My winter break was mostly spent doing nothing, watching drama, surfing the net, and talking to my family on skype. Pure bliss!

I was wishing for a white Christmas last year but it didn't snow. My Christmas plan - snuggling down in bed watching Love Actually - kind of failed too. I wasted so much time that by the time I took a shower and snuggled under my covers I was too sleepy to finish the movie. Oh, and having Snickers ice cream in bed was awesome!

A friend from Birmingham came over to visit me for a day and a half, and then it was my turn to pay him a visit. I must say, I haven't felt so at home for a looong time. I stay here alone (although I have 2 flatmates, we don't usually hang out or talk except when we bump into each other in the kitchen) so I kind of forgot how it felt like having meals with friends or just having someone to talk to. I stayed over my friend's place in Birmingham and I got to know his housemates. For 2 days, it felt sooo good to cook, eat and play together with them. I haven't laughed so much ever since I came to the UK. Then it was London! My primary school friend accompanied me throughout those 1.5 days. When I came back to Nottingham, reality sank in...loneliness came creeping back.


Anyway, the above was written sometime in January. LOL It's already February! The month of L-O-V-E. Hehe...OMG, I saw snow for the first time in my life last month! I was rushing my assignment like mad in my room and then as I looked out the window the view outside took my breath away! Outside was covered in white and snowflakes were just falling slowly to the ground. The atmosphere outside was so if time stood still. At that moment, I wanted to just sit there wrapped up in my fleece blanket and watch the snow fall! <3 nbsp="" p="">
So after the submission of my 2 assignments, I finally had time to just rest and not think about deadlines for a while. It was then that I realised being busy isn't a bad thing after all. It helps one to get their mind off certain things and time seems to pass by quicker when one is occupied. Finally, I can say that I finally made "peace" with where I am and what I need to do. =)



Monday, December 24, 2012

It's the time of year

For the first time I'm spending Christmas away from home. Although the Christmas atmosphere is everywhere in the UK, I still feel....a teeny weeny bit of homesickness. But it's OK, I'm fine. Really. It's just that seeing status updates and pictures of friends spending Christmas with their friends and family back home on Facebook does sting, no matter how I tell myself that it's OK.

Can't believe it's Christmas already, 7 days later we'll be welcoming the new year! And then the new term starts again. The moment I reached home from my Christmas eve dinner with the church saints, I received Christmas wishes on my wall and it made me really nostalgic. I reflected on the past year and thought...I didn't do much. I spent most of my time working, going out with friends and sleeping, or even wasting time away in front of the computer. To be honest, I don't think I spent much time with my family. *guilty* My aunts and cousins are already in Penang today with my niece and nephew and I really wish I could be home to see everyone!

I never knew how much I wanted to be with my family until now. T_T Like one of my friends said, she never knew she wanted to be home so much before she worked in the US for such a long time. I guess humans are like that. We never know what we want until we lose it. At this point I don't think I'm structuring coherent sentences. Anyway, I realised that every year I would make resolutions, all psyched up for the new year but....they never go the way as planned. This time I shall refrain myself from making resolutions. I just hope that I am able to complete my postgraduate studies and not get too shitty a grade.

In the past year, I fell in and out of love. Let's just doesn't matter if you never get to be with the one you love because as long as he is happy, you are happy and that's all that matters. =) Finally, I can proudly say that I am freed from all those sticky love issues. I've never felt this relieved for a long time and it feels awesome!!!!

Tomorrow's Christmas...I think I'm spending my night in PJ's wrapped up in my warm blanket and watch Love Actually and have dessert. Hmmm...sounds like a plan! Whoever's reading this, merry christmas and a happy new year!!


Saturday, December 22, 2012

Love is selfless


Monday, December 10, 2012


我到底是不是个怕寂寞的人?有时候觉得是,但有时候却觉得自己很喜欢一个人 - 一个人逛街、一个人买菜、一个人发呆、一个人探险。久而久之,就真的享受一个人的生活。也许我也算是怕改变的人吧。在这里两个多月了,也渐渐习惯了一个人。有时候很想找朋友聊聊天,又怕我打扰了人家,所以就制止自己去找人家。




Tuesday, December 04, 2012

Just when I think things are getting better... doesn't. It's like a never-ending cycle. I'm starting to get really sick of this. Getting so annoyed with myself even. I'll survive...I know I will, because I always do. :)

Been listening to this lately.

Just when I thought I stopped missing...I do again. argh!

Well...time to study, no time to think!!!!


Sunday, December 02, 2012

Hello December!

How time flies! I know I know...I'm starting to sound like a broken record. lol. but i can't help it! I can't believe it's already December! December is...a month of magical moments to me, simply because it's Christmas month, or maybe because after December is the new year.

Anyway, enough about December. For the past week, I've been so so so stressed I don't even know where to start. First, I fell terribly sick but I managed to drag myself to class - call me kiasu but I really didn't want to miss out on any important information which could be of help to our presentation or assessments. For the first time I felt so helpless...I couldn't breathe because of congested nose, walking against the cold wind made it even worse. Most of the time I felt like hiding under my warm covers the whole day and wished I didn't have to get up.

Because our poster presentation was on Friday, 6 days leading to Friday I didn't step out of my room at all (walking to the kitchen doesn't count). I felt so tired but still I had to push myself to focus and prepare for the presentation. Was feeling emo most of the time, having to deal with the stress AND missing someone. I initially planned to get my poster printed the day before the presentation but I wasn't finished yet! I ended up staying up till 2am and because I knew I wouldn't be able to sleep well due to stress and nervousness, I gulped down a mug of camomile tea before going to bed and it worked like magic! 

The next day I got up really early, at 6:30am, so that I could rush to the print shop to get my poster printed before going to class. And it was that morning that I realised how IMPORTANT sleep is. I mean, I knew sleep was important all along but the effect of sleeping late just ONE night was incredible! I was starving (only had kit kat for lunch and 2 slices of pizza for dinner the day before) so I decided to make some oats to be eaten with the fresh cranberries I got. The cranberries were awfully sour, so I thought drizzling some honey on my oats would be nice right? I was so so so sleepy that I drizzled washing liquid on my oats! o_O To be honest, I'm thankful I didn't start eating it to realise what I'd done! I was literally standing there stunned for a few seconds before throwing the bowl of oats away. 

That day I caught the bus really early for the first time here. The cold still air was really nice and calming. Everything seemed calm and slow-moving, which was the total opposite of how I felt. Was so relieved I managed to get my poster printed just in time for me to go to class. Oh, and because of sleep deprivation, I almost left my debit card at the store after paying. =/ 

*fast forward to afternoon*

After my poster presentation, was fooling around with my classmates when I suddenly remembered that   I needed to upload my poster online again because of an error. It was at that moment that I realised my pendrive wasn't with me! I was panicking, wondering where it could possibly be....and then...the print shop?! I had forgotten to get my pendrive from the print shop! *smacks forehead* Good thing the guy working there had kept it safe when I went back to collect it. Oh, and I discovered that I'm not the only one who has a major crush on our course leader/lecturer! =p 

It was such a huuuuuge relief when the poster presentation finally ended! I was so so so so proud of myself for not giving up. That feeling was just indescribable! At least if I didn't get the grade I was hoping for, at least I know I've tried my best. =) Went to the pub opposite our uni for a drink with a few classmates and even though I was dead tired, I actually enjoyed it. It seemed like things were starting to change for the better. I guess before this I was too caught up and stressed about everything that I didn't bother to get to know my classmates better. Well, I took 3 months to settle down in Adelaide, perhaps after 3 months here I would feel much better? And one of my classmates commented that I sound really American. She's the second person to said this to me. Oh and we were sort of asking each other their age and again, I don't look my 

So the 1st day of Dec was spent doing laundry and basically relaxing the whole day. I really wanted to go for a walk in the city but the temperature outside turned me off. Maybe another day. Today I just enjoyed being nua.

And again, how time flies! 1st Dec is over...hello 2nd Dec!

That's me with my poster (which cost GBP20!) xox