Saturday, November 03, 2012


I never understood why people use "blue" to describe feelings of down-ness. I mean, blue is my favourite colour and if I was given the choice, I would choose everything blue! So, for me blue is the colour that describes both happiness and sadness (not so much of sadness, but emo-ness). 

I've been here for 7 weeks already. Time sure does fly when you're busy with your life, which is a good thing sometimes - when you need to get your mind off certain things. I still remember that feeling when I just arrived, everything was in a mess. Having to settle down quickly and catching up on missed lectures, readings and assignments was too much for me to handle. At one point I really wanted to just pack my bags and leave, forget about what I wanted to pursue, forget about why I even bothered coming here in the first place. I REALLY WANTED TO LEAVE! 

There was an internal conflict for 2 weeks or so. I kept telling myself to be strong, I did it 5 years ago, I can do it this time - the final time! Although I was alone physically, I wasn't alone because God is here with me. But I guess somehow I overlooked that point and continued to dwell in the fact that I was alone! Desperate for some human interaction, I tried to rush home every day around the time when everyone would be online so that I could at least catch up with some of my friends. I even stayed home for 2-3 consecutive days when I didn't have classes, just so I could catch people online. LOL

However, this whole rushing-home-to-chat thing wasn't exactly working for me as I'm 8 hours behind Malaysian time and when my friends back home said good night one by one, I was yet again left feeling very lonely. So I stopped myself from doing things according to the time back home and just went with the flow - doing the things I need to get done and work at my own time and pace. I also told myself to truly experience Nottingham because I'd be here for only a year and 1 year is really a short time. I am sure that when the time comes for me to leave, I'd feel the unwillingness too as I create my own memories here - the good and the bad; the sweet and the bitter. 

Slowly I'm getting used to being alone (but not lonely) - I get to do everything at my own pace, not having to conform to others' schedules. I still remember how I always get so cranky when I'm being woken up by any of my family members. Nobody should ever mess with my sleep! Going grocery-shopping alone allows me to de-stress as I plan what to cook/eat that afternoon/night. But sometimes being alone has its down side. Walking on the street seeing happy groups of friends talking and laughing without a care in the world, I wish I was back home where I could do the same. I think I hardly laugh from the heart since I stepped foot on Nottingham, I've become more quiet and reserved that it scares me sometimes. Is this me? Is this really me? I feel like I have two sides of me - the crazy side and the reserved side. I can't even tell which is the real me anymore. Perhaps it depends whom I'm around with. 

On sunny days, I walk around the city with a big smile on my face feeling that nothing can ever put me down! It's funny how when I was back home, I complained about the heat a lot! I'm usually quite heat-tolerant but I just dislike the fact that I start to sweat even right after a shower. Since it rains here most of the time and the weather is often gloomy, I really really cherish sunny days a LOT! You don't know how happy I am on sunny days. I guess my classmate is pretty tired of hearing me say "OMG It's sunny today!!! I love it!" on every sunny day. HAHAHA 

Somehow today I woke up feeling a little blue without a reason. Maybe there is but I don't know what it is. It definitely cannot be PMS because it's history. lol. Maybe I'm starting to get homesick again...missing all the outings back home. I really miss just being myself, without being judged by my close friends. I'm also missing my bed terribly! T_T I've been having backaches every day when I wake up because of the mattress. I got it replaced but it's still not as firm as the one I have back home. *sigh*

So it's lunchtime again...gotta go cook!



CY said...

dont worry abt having duo-personalities. it's definitely normal cause i have them too and yes, it does depends on the company we are in. it's just a god-given trait of adaptability which we have put to good use :P

take care, look fwd to more posts from you! :)

Lin said...

Hahaha...didn't think anyone would still be reading my blog. :P thanks, you take care too!

JM said...

I have multiple sides to me too, depending on who I'm with. Usually the reserved side is the default choice, and then the friendly with friends and the crazy with people who know me inside out. You are absolutely normal.

Lin said...

Thanks girl! Appreciate your comment a lot! <3