Blue...

I never understood why people use "blue" to describe feelings of down-ness. I mean, blue is my favourite colour and if I was given the choice, I would choose everything blue! So, for me blue is the colour that describes both happiness and sadness (not so much of sadness, but emo-ness). 

I've been here for 7 weeks already. Time sure does fly when you're busy with your life, which is a good thing sometimes - when you need to get your mind off certain things. I still remember that feeling when I just arrived, everything was in a mess. Having to settle down quickly and catching up on missed lectures, readings and assignments was too much for me to handle. At one point I really wanted to just pack my bags and leave, forget about what I wanted to pursue, forget about why I even bothered coming here in the first place. I REALLY WANTED TO LEAVE! 

There was an internal conflict for 2 weeks or so. I kept telling myself to be strong, I did it 5 years ago, I can do it this time - the final time! Although I was alone physically, I wasn't alone because God is here with me. But I guess somehow I overlooked that point and continued to dwell in the fact that I was alone! Desperate for some human interaction, I tried to rush home every day around the time when everyone would be online so that I could at least catch up with some of my friends. I even stayed home for 2-3 consecutive days when I didn't have classes, just so I could catch people online. LOL

However, this whole rushing-home-to-chat thing wasn't exactly working for me as I'm 8 hours behind Malaysian time and when my friends back home said good night one by one, I was yet again left feeling very lonely. So I stopped myself from doing things according to the time back home and just went with the flow - doing the things I need to get done and work at my own time and pace. I also told myself to truly experience Nottingham because I'd be here for only a year and 1 year is really a short time. I am sure that when the time comes for me to leave, I'd feel the unwillingness too as I create my own memories here - the good and the bad; the sweet and the bitter. 

Slowly I'm getting used to being alone (but not lonely) - I get to do everything at my own pace, not having to conform to others' schedules. I still remember how I always get so cranky when I'm being woken up by any of my family members. Nobody should ever mess with my sleep! Going grocery-shopping alone allows me to de-stress as I plan what to cook/eat that afternoon/night. But sometimes being alone has its down side. Walking on the street seeing happy groups of friends talking and laughing without a care in the world, I wish I was back home where I could do the same. I think I hardly laugh from the heart since I stepped foot on Nottingham, I've become more quiet and reserved that it scares me sometimes. Is this me? Is this really me? I feel like I have two sides of me - the crazy side and the reserved side. I can't even tell which is the real me anymore. Perhaps it depends whom I'm around with. 

On sunny days, I walk around the city with a big smile on my face feeling that nothing can ever put me down! It's funny how when I was back home, I complained about the heat a lot! I'm usually quite heat-tolerant but I just dislike the fact that I start to sweat even right after a shower. Since it rains here most of the time and the weather is often gloomy, I really really cherish sunny days a LOT! You don't know how happy I am on sunny days. I guess my classmate is pretty tired of hearing me say "OMG It's sunny today!!! I love it!" on every sunny day. HAHAHA 

Somehow today I woke up feeling a little blue without a reason. Maybe there is but I don't know what it is. It definitely cannot be PMS because it's history. lol. Maybe I'm starting to get homesick again...missing all the outings back home. I really miss just being myself, without being judged by my close friends. I'm also missing my bed terribly! T_T I've been having backaches every day when I wake up because of the mattress. I got it replaced but it's still not as firm as the one I have back home. *sigh*

So it's lunchtime again...gotta go cook!

XOXO

Me