Dear John

The title of this post is the title of the book I just finished reading. Yes, I was considering whether to finish reading it or not but I finally did. *sigh* It's always like this. Whenever I feel down/depressed, it has to rain...

I read it on the bus, this time not caring whether anyone's looking...cause I just cried like nobody's business!!!! The book simply left me with a hole in my heart, a heartache. ='(( I think I'm starting to love Nicholas Spark's books. His 2 books - A walk to remember and The notebook - were made into blockbuster movies and I loved them!! Although I enjoyed the books more than the movies cause the books made me cry like a baby whereas the movies did not totally portray the stories in the books. Now I'm hoping that Dear John will be made into a movie cause I know I'll cry my heart out.

I used to be completely naive about love. I thought things too simply. I used to think that as long as 2 people are in love, nothing matters and that they'll eventually be together...boy, I was wrong!! Now I have a totally different perspective of love! How do you define love? It's so subjective I don't even know where to start! Reading Dear John really makes me dwell in John's (the main male character) feelings. Everything he felt, everything that he went through etc. And I CANNOT imagine if I was in his shoes, losing the girl he loves to the girl's childhood friend, and seeing her with her wedding ring....Why?!?! When I read this:

When she released my hand, I saw her wedding band glinting on her left finger. The sight of it doused me with a cold splash of reality.
She recognised my expression. "Yes," she said, "I'm married."

I felt like stabbing myself!!!! =S I can literally feel his heart breaking.

The girl's (Savannah) husband, Tim, had this disease and the doctors weren't sure if he could make it. During John's visit to the hospital, this is what Tim said to him:

"You still love her, don't you? It's OK, I already know. I've always known. I can still remember Savannah's face the first time she talked about you. I'd never seen her like that. I was happy for her because there was something about you that I trusted right away. That whole first year you were gone, she missed you so much. It was like her heart was breaking a little bit every single day. You were all she could think about. And then she found out you weren't coming home and we ended up in Lenoir and my parents died and...You always knew I was in love with her too, didn't you?"

I nodded.

"I thought so. I've loved her since I was 12 years old. And gradually, she fell in love with me, too."

"Why are you telling me this?"

"Because it wasn't the same. I know she loves me, but she's never loved me the way she loved you. She never had that burning passion for me, but we were making a good life together. Then I got sick, but she's always here, caring for me the same way I'd care for her if it was happening to her. Yesterday, when you came in, I saw the way she was looking at you, and I knew that she still loved you. More than that, I know she always will. It breaks my heart, but you know what? I'm still in love with her, and to me that means that I want nothing more than for her to be happy in life. I want that more than anything. It's all I've ever wanted for her."

"What are you saying?"

"I'm saying don't forget Savannah if anything happens to me. And promise that you'll always treasure her the same way I do."

"Tim..."

"Don't say anything, John. Just remember what I say, okay?"
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Outside the hospital, when John bumped into Savannah. The part which made me tear like crazy!!

"Were you going to come say good-bye?"

"I don't know. I haven't thought that far ahead."

"What did you and Tim talk about?"

"You should probably ask him that question."

"So this is good-bye?"

"Yes, I think it is."

"Can I write to you?"

"I'm not sure if that's a good idea."

"I don't understand."

"Yes, you do. You're married to Tim, not me. He's a good man, Savannah. A better man than me, that's for sure, and I'm glad you married him. As much as I love you, I'm not willing to break up a marriage for it. And deep down, I don't think you are, either. Even if you love me, you love him, too. It took me a little while to realise that, but I'm sure of it."

"Will we ever see each other again?"

"I don't know but I'm hoping we don't."

"How can you say that?"

"Because it means that Tim's going to be okay. And I have a feeling that it's all going to turn out the way it should."

"You can't say that! You can't promise that!"

"No, I can't."

"Then why does it have to end now? Like this?"

A tear spilled down her face, and despite the fact that I knew I should simply walk away, I took a step forward to her. When I was close, I gently wiped it away. In her eyes I could see fear and sadness, anger and betrayal. But most of all, I saw them pleading with me to change my mind.

"You're married to Tim, and your husband needs you. All of you. There's no room for me, and we both know there shouldn't be."

As more tears started flowing down her face, I felt my own eyes fill up. I leaned in and kissed Savannah gently on the lips, then took her in my arms and held her tight.

"I love you, Savannah, and I always will. You're the best thing that's ever happened to me. You were my best friend and my lover, and I don't regret a single moment of it. You made me feel alive again, and most of all, you gave me my father. I'll never forget that. You're always going to be the very best part of me. I'm sorry it has to be this way, but I have to leave, and you have to see your husband."

As I spoke, I could feel her shaking with sobs, and I continued to hold her for a long time afterward. When we finally separated, I knew that it would be the last time I ever held her. I backed away, my eyes holding Savannah's.

"I love you too, John.

"Good-bye."

And with that, she wiped her face and began walking toward the hospital.
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Love is just too complicated!! Both of them still love each other but...somehow she also loves her husband...I know her love for both of them is different...OMG...I'm going round n round in circles! I can't get my thoughts straight. Before I end this pointless post, take a read:

I finally understood what true love really meant. Tim had told me - and shown me - that love meant that you care for another person's happiness more than your own, no matter how painful the choices you face might be.

I lead my life feeling that something is missing that I somehow need to make my life complete. I know that my feeling about Savannah will never change, and I know I will always wonder about the choice I made. And sometimes, despite myself, I wonder if Savannah feels the same way.
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I end up typing such a long post...but I just have to share this story with the whole world!! =') I wonder if I would make the same choice as John did...*sigh*

XOXO,
Me