I've said this before but I'm gonna say it again - I can't believe I'm turning 20 this year!!!!!
It's been 8 years since I left primary school....
...3 years since I left high school.
...2 years since I left college.
Time does fly when you're having fun. Just today, I was on the phone with an old friend and we couldn't believe that our Form 3 years are over. That was the year where I got closer to her...and the rest is just history.
So, turning 20 soon means that I have to face the grown up world sooner or later. Over the years, I've learnt that it is very important to be yourself. Being as naive as I was, I thought that as long as we're true to ourselves, we do not have to give a damn about what other people think or say. How very wrong I was. We live in a world where pleasing people is a "should-do". We can choose not to, but our social life will suffer tremendously. On the other hand, if we choose to please people, we suffer inside.
*at this point I'm not thinking coherently, so ignore whatever grammar mistakes there is*
Setting: High school Form 3, 2003; Classroom
Character: Y and I (E)
Y: E, you know, sometimes I admire you alot.
E: Oh? And y is that?
Y: I dunno...It's like I admire your principles.
E: My principles? *confused as I never knew I had principles, LOL*
Y: Yeah...You stick to them well. You're the kind of person who listens to people's suggestions, but decides yourself whether you wanna follow or not. That's a very good quality. You don't reject others' opinions straightaway, you listen then decide.
E: Ohhh...
That was what encouraged me to be myself. Listen but decide myself whether what I do is right or not. Unfortunately, I remember what people say too easily that it bothers me sometimes. I may be very happy but I'd feel down the moment I hear something that makes me think and wonder.
I ponder on what people say too much sometimes that I feel like I need to catch my breath.
I wanna be who I wanna be, but on the other hand, I care about what people say.
Sometimes we wanna say "I don't care what people think or say" but we can't. Cause nobody can just NOT care about what people think or say!!
I shall not reveal what's bothering me. I'll just say that my beliefs since I was young were shattered since I went to Aus because people there tell me what I SHOULD do and SHOULD not do. I'm confused. I wanna stand firm to my beliefs and yet I care about what people say. =S ARGH!! This is so bad.
Just came back from tea with SX and initially we had a really good conversation until he mentioned THAT. It made me feel confused again!!
N said "people change____ of their ____ because they feel insecure about it, if you're confident about _____ _____ then no need to change lo"
By now, you should've guessed what I'm talking about. Haih.
Guys...another thing I do not understand...I find it so hard to relate to this "species". =(
I guess it's a wonder how God made females and males so differently that we cannot live without either one of them.
When will this habit of my thinking change?? I can't sleep without finishing up this post cause I will think myself to sleep and I'll end up dreaming weird dreams...
I guess right now, this song relates to me the most...
Imperfect girl
I don't have a perfect smile
maybe I'm just too shy
I'm not a beauty queen
on covers of magazines
that's something you can't deny
I got my own style
So what you see is what you get
A girl of no regrets
I'm not ideal - I'm quite absurd
I'm just an imperfect girl
I rise above this perfect world
I'm just an imperfect, imperfect girl
I wouldn't be classed as cool
I have to bend the rules
Maybe I don't fit in
I didn't always win
that's something you can't deny
I'm happy with my own style
So what you see is what you get
A girl of no regrets
I'm not ideal - I'm quite absurd
I'm just an imperfect girl
I rise above this perfect world
I'm just an imperfect, imperfect girl
It's all just make-believe
The standards that we hear
It doesn't have to be
A perfect world, a perfect world
I'm not ideal - I'm quite absurd
I'm just an imperfect girl
I rise above this perfect world
I'm just an imperfect, imperfect girl
I'm not ideal - I'm quite absurd
I'm just an imperfect girl
I rise above this perfect world
I'm just an imperfect, imperfect girl
I need some encouragement right now, but who will ever understand how I feel?
There is only One Person. God.
As I'm thinking, I remembered the book I've read last year. I've learnt alot from that book and I'll always remember. =) In it, there's a passage that goes like this:
“Accept yourself. Love yourself. Respect yourself…If my house is based on God’s word, then even when the rains of bad feelings and self doubt come, my house of self-esteem will stand firm because it is built on the rock of God’s unchanging truth, not my ever-shifting feelings about myself. Self-esteem is necessary for all psychological health, and there is no absolutely sure basis for self-esteem other than the assurance of God’s love for me.”
Whenever I feel like I'm drifting away from You, You give me the wisdom to ponder upon Your words and pick me up, drawing me nearer to You. And I thank You.
XOXO,
Me
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