Friday, July 11, 2008

Just ramblings

Warning: Do NOT, I repeat, do NOT proceed if you're prone to giving negative comments!

Hah, I know no one likes a whiny post but I'll whine all I want cause it's my blog anyway. Just need a place to express myself.

All I wanna do now is this:

I wanna cry and whine and complain and kick and scream! I don't know what's wrong with me these days. After recovering from this mysterious illness (No coughing, no sore throat, no mucous whatsoever, no fever, had diarrhea twice in 1 night, feel sleepy all the time and depressed) I have no appetite to eat anything at ALL! =( Everytime I crave for something, I don't feel motivated to go and satisfy my craving. Y? Because it's so damn freaking cold outside! So, I have to settle for something like instant noodles? OK, so instant noodles aren't that fact, sometimes I crave for them. BUT when I start eating my 1st mouthful, I feel like vomitting immediately! o.O At this point, I do sound like a pregnant woman eh? Nevermind that. So, I feel hungry and I eat...but I do NOT feel like I've eaten anything at all! My stomach feels empty and not only that, it feels like something's grinding my stomach and I feel like vomitting again! *SIGH*

Now tell me, won't you miss your mummy if you were in my shoes?! I know I do...I miss the times when I used to be sick back home. All I needed to do is lie in bed and sleep and sleep and dearest mummy'd take care of my meals, be it plain oats with cream crackers, porridge, milo with nestum or simply chicken soup. ='( I'm sure most of you have experienced that feeling of being taken care of. If you don't, then I'm not sure if I should feel sorry for you. ANYWAY, back to my ramblings. The thing is, you see, when you're sick, you feel like life's been sucked outta your body and you don't even feel like budging, what more cook?! So I had to survive on my breakfast bars and my instant 3-in-1 black sesame & oat drink for that 1 miserable day cause I didn't feel like moving! I tried going to the kitchen and cook but it was sooooo cold! I just felt like curling up under my blanket! Since I was able to get outta bed feeling less cold than before, I thought I've recovered completely but... ='( Today, I thought maybe I could be more "independent" and cook myself porridge. What do you know?! That stupid damn freaking rice! So hard to cook! Argh! It's brown rice and it's got husk as the outer layer and the last time I cooked porridge, I had to stand there and stir and add water and stir and add water for 1 whole freaking hour! So this time I started cooking at 5:30pm, thinking that maybe it'll cook before 7pm so that I can eat it as dinner but NO! The stubborn as a...nevermind. It just won't cook! I started cooking at 5:30pm and ended up eating at 7 something! By the time I finished cooking, I had no more energy left!! *faints*

My housemate, Jennifer, says that I'm not ready to live independently yet. The thing is, how do you define "independent"?? It's kind of subjective don't you think?! I mean, I can but I choose to miss my mom. So does that mean I'm not independent? I sure am living "independently" because I'm doing everything on my own. Because I'm FORCED to, not because I'm ready or anything. How do you even know if you're ready or not? =S After catching up with M, a friend from the hostel I stayed in last year, I realised both M and I are quite similar. Both of us need human touch. We need to be able to talk to people. I think that's one of the reasons why I'm so depressed. I don't have anyone else to talk to except Jennifer. It's not that I don't like talking to her or anything but I don't wanna keep bothering her with my stuff. Believe it or not, I've only learnt how to bottle up my feelings since I came here. Never back home. I used to blurt everything to mom when random thoughts cross my mind. Or my brother...used to annoy the hell outta him.

P once said to me "being independent doesn't mean you have to be lonely". And I so agree on that! I mean, I used to think if you're able to be alone, entertain yourself, live life alone, do things alone, you're independent. It's so NOT! It's called depressing! =( And I also realised something else about myself. I love to be surrounded by people. People whom I can talk to. People whom I can laugh with. I don't enjoy walking down Rundle Mall alone, looking at people passing me by. I only enjoy it when I've been surrounded by people for too long. Hah, but I haven't been surrounded by people for months now! All I need is some human touch!! If it means going out and roaming the streets alone, I'd rather stay in my room all day and read or surf the net.

OK, I admit it. I miss the life in Hosanna. Not the place, but the people, the company! Those were the days when I could just walk outta my room and into any of my friend's room!! When I'm stressed, I could just look for them to relieve stress and it actually works! At least I never always stayed in my I stay in my room most of the time...I think even the walls are laughing at me!

As I'm typing this, I just wish I could walk to the sink and vomit!!!! Hate the feeling of nausea. o.O I can just go on and on and on...enough. I'm starting to feel sleepy..

Me =(


prasana@poel said...

awwww...I wish I could really cycle over there....take care ...and hope you feel better soon!

Lin said...


Maree said...

hey...hope u're feeling better now..and are having better luck at cooking ur porridge..:P i'm not feeling very well myself either :( but i hope u're ur cheerful self again!hehe..hugs

feifei said...

hey gal!!!! u feeling better now???? poor u.. dun use brown rice 2 cook porridge, use white rice.. brown rice nit more water and it's harder 2 cook... anywayz, u take care of urself aite??? i understand how u feel, felt da same way 2 when i was sick... but u're strong and tough.. hehe! get well soon!!!! *hugs*!!! and muaks!

Lin said...

maree: thanks...i too hope i'm my cheerful self again =') u take care too ok?! *hugs*

fei: feeling a lot better i guess... at least today i didn't feel like vomiting =S yeah, i know, didn't wanna go out and buy white rice because it's cold outside! so i just settled with what I already have at home...come here and cook for me? =D thanks yin enjoy urself! ;) *hugs*

sosoYi said...

hmm...feel sorry for not accompany you for a longer time that an urge to go to buy porridge for u...but....*sign*

Hope you are getting better and better now!! cheers!!

Remember to take care of yourself ya...that doesn't mean you aren't independent,sure we wish someone to concern and take care about us when we are sick!!that's human!

Lin said...

xy: it's ok =) at least u were there to keep me company even for a while. i hope u enjoyed urself at pancake house! how was it?! yup, better now!! ALOT! hehe...u take care k! *hugs* thanks for dropping by!

Jen Min said...

Oh dear... I think you should take peppermint tea to help your stomach settle down.

Don't worry! Next year I will be there to take care of you :D

Hope you are feeling better already.

Lin said...

oh, really?! peppermint tea?? i'll go get some tea to store just in case i need them sometime in the future (I hope not!)

awww...hehe...=) yup, feeling much better after i went singing with KT. can't wait for u to join us!! 3 of us can be siao cha bor in the ktv room. LOL

Mockingbird said...

go ahead and cry and scream all you want. After you have vented all your negativity out, i'm sure you would feel better :)

Lin said...

mockingbird: thanks. yeah, i did =) it really did make me feel better!

sosoYi said...

heee...I don't konw where to reply reply at the same place lo!
The pancake is nice but expensive!
I like EGG BENEDICT! u can try it next time...and ho...all Pancakes are $6 for every Tuesday if I'm not mistaken! xD

Lin said...

oh, really?! wow...
i've tried egg benedict...but i tried it some place else..not pancake house =)