Up north

So I've been in Nottingham for 2 days, the first day was filled with mixed emotions. I guess everything just happened too fast. Really wanted to write here but was afraid that once I start I'd start to get emotional all over again. As I'm typing this, my eyes are starting to well up again. Ah, I can do this!

I could still remember so vividly how I felt heavy-hearted to leave Penang. After all, I was back home for more than a year after my undergraduate graduation. I was already so settled back home, with friends I've made while working. I experienced Penang so much more in just 1 year than I have ever experienced for the past 23 years. All the late-night supper outings, spontaneous breakfast/lunch dates, the annoying sound of my house phone,  the sound of TV from the living room, the sound of traffic just outside my bedroom etc. All the familiar sights and sounds are all gone. Argh!

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Had a breakdown after typing the above. Anyway, classes have already started a week before my arrival so I was pretty busy settling down and catching up on missed lectures. So far there's not much progress and it's stressing me out. I thought I was fine until today, burst out crying sitting in front of the computer. I guess I suppressed my emo-ness for too long. To be honest, I'm not even sure if it's homesickness because I don't think of home that much. It's probably the lack of human interaction here, as I don't really mix around with the students here at my accommodation and I'm not into late-night drinking/partying. All I want is to have a conversation over a proper meal. Is that too much to ask for? And don't get me started on the time difference. I'm still trying to figure out how to keep in touch with friends and family back home as best as possible. I absolutely hate that feeling when I come home and everyone else back home has gone to bed. It sucks to the max! I guess this emo-ness is also part of my own doing. I guess I'm an introvert after all.

突然想用中文来表达。我今天才发现每次我出国就变得比较爱哭，虽然我本身不是一个爱哭的人。似乎小小的事情就可以让我感动流泪，这样的自己很可怕。太感性不见得是件好事，因为这样反而给自己带来伤痛。有时候走在街上看见令我惊叹的事物，好想转过去跟旁边人说“哇，你看！！！”才发现没有人在身旁，那种情绪又被收回了。这时，我就很想快速地飞奔回家上线，跟家里的朋友们会见。就因为这样，我突然有了想换智慧型电话的念头，想随时随地都能够被联络到。我也非常庆幸目前的我还单身，不需要经历远距离恋爱。我想，那种感觉真的不好受吧！

明天就是中秋节了。还记得以前在澳洲的时候，妈妈总是把月饼结冻等我回来吃。我临走前一晚，我的朋友们买了灯笼要给我践行，但是最后却没有去提灯笼。我看着那个没得提的灯笼，感觉有点沮丧。其实自己也没那么爱吃月饼，只是月饼和家里有牵连关系。虽然每个人为我加油给予我支持，但是心里还是觉得很闷，甚至有点要爆炸的感觉。如果我可以一次把眼泪哭干那该多好！

理智的我跟自己说你离家一年罢了，很快的就会回家了。唉！

Him

Dear blog,

Sorry I haven't dropped by in a while. I guess there are no readers left. I really really really need to vent but I can't seem to find anyone to listen at the moment. My best friend's pursuing her dreams in HK, my other best friends are scattered around Malaysia/overseas.

I met this guy in July and things went up and down, which is doing me no good at all. >< Why oh why did we have to meet? Things would have been so much easier if we hadn't. I understand and accept the fact that we'll never be together but....somehow deep down I know that it's only a matter of time.

Ever since I had feelings for him, everyone could see that we would be a great couple. Everyone could see it but him. I was happy to be his best girl friend. I was. But...somehow things changed the end of September. Who was avoiding who has become a blur to me. And amazingly, every time I saw him, my heart would skip a beat, something that never happened before that.

Just yesterday, he wrote something on his status that made my heart drop but I know that I'm thinking too much. =/ Maybe...just maybe...this could all end tragically. When it does, I don't wanna be here...

Me =(

My wish

Sometimes, I just wish I had a sister studying in Adelaide with me. Well, not church sisters kinda sisters....but biological sisters.

*sigh*

Come to think of it, I have quite a number of friends here who also have sisters here with them. M & G, KT & KR and P & C (well, that's like bro & sis...but still!).

I'm really good friends with M& G and KT & KR. So I kinda go out with them a lot. Somehow I can't help but feel a little...I don't know...sad?

Ever since I moved out from Hosanna in my 2nd year of uni, I've learnt to not depend on people whenever I feel like it. Whenever I feel like life is meaningless & feel like crying, I either suck it up & move on with life OR I just cry the hell out of myself and then move on with life...all on my own.

Those were the days when I felt like the world has come to an end, I'd go to my hostel mates' rooms to forget all the negative thoughts, knowing that I'm not the only one going through all these. Of course I miss E the most. She was the 1st person I got to really know in Hosanna. We did almost everything together. We had supper together, meals, movie nights, even had our fair share of guy problems. Every day after class, I'd feel happy going "home", knowing everybody's there. I also miss those times when we had bible study on Sunday nights.

Many a times, I try asking God if I'm taking the path He wants to me take. I don't know...maybe I don't pay attention enough, somehow I still don't have the answers. But if He brings me to it, He'll bring me through it, right? So why does it feel so shitty right now? Even a rainy day makes me feel like snuggling under my blanket all day & cry.

p/s: Just called S to talk...feeling better now! Love being a girl! =P Thanks for talking to me although you were studying!! *hugs*

XOXO,
Me

Just ramblings

Warning: Do NOT, I repeat, do NOT proceed if you're prone to giving negative comments!














Hah, I know no one likes a whiny post but I'll whine all I want cause it's my blog anyway. Just need a place to express myself.

All I wanna do now is this:

I wanna cry and whine and complain and kick and scream! I don't know what's wrong with me these days. After recovering from this mysterious illness (No coughing, no sore throat, no mucous whatsoever, no fever, had diarrhea twice in 1 night, feel sleepy all the time and depressed) I have no appetite to eat anything at ALL! =( Everytime I crave for something, I don't feel motivated to go and satisfy my craving. Y? Because it's so damn freaking cold outside! So, I have to settle for something like instant noodles? OK, so instant noodles aren't that bad...in fact, sometimes I crave for them. BUT when I start eating my 1st mouthful, I feel like vomitting immediately! o.O At this point, I do sound like a pregnant woman eh? Nevermind that. So, I feel hungry and I eat...but I do NOT feel like I've eaten anything at all! My stomach feels empty and not only that, it feels like something's grinding my stomach and I feel like vomitting again! *SIGH*

Now tell me, won't you miss your mummy if you were in my shoes?! I know I do...I miss the times when I used to be sick back home. All I needed to do is lie in bed and sleep and sleep and dearest mummy'd take care of my meals, be it plain oats with cream crackers, porridge, milo with nestum or simply chicken soup. ='( I'm sure most of you have experienced that feeling of being taken care of. If you don't, then I'm not sure if I should feel sorry for you. ANYWAY, back to my ramblings. The thing is, you see, when you're sick, you feel like life's been sucked outta your body and you don't even feel like budging, what more cook?! So I had to survive on my breakfast bars and my instant 3-in-1 black sesame & oat drink for that 1 miserable day cause I didn't feel like moving! I tried going to the kitchen and cook but it was sooooo cold! I just felt like curling up under my blanket! Since I was able to get outta bed feeling less cold than before, I thought I've recovered completely but... ='( Today, I thought maybe I could be more "independent" and cook myself porridge. What do you know?! That stupid damn freaking rice! So hard to cook! Argh! It's brown rice and it's got husk as the outer layer and the last time I cooked porridge, I had to stand there and stir and add water and stir and add water for 1 whole freaking hour! So this time I started cooking at 5:30pm, thinking that maybe it'll cook before 7pm so that I can eat it as dinner but NO! The rice...as stubborn as a....as a...nevermind. It just won't cook! I started cooking at 5:30pm and ended up eating at 7 something! By the time I finished cooking, I had no more energy left!! *faints*

My housemate, Jennifer, says that I'm not ready to live independently yet. The thing is, how do you define "independent"?? It's kind of subjective don't you think?! I mean, I can but I choose to miss my mom. So does that mean I'm not independent? I sure am living "independently" because I'm doing everything on my own. Because I'm FORCED to, not because I'm ready or anything. How do you even know if you're ready or not? =S After catching up with M, a friend from the hostel I stayed in last year, I realised both M and I are quite similar. Both of us need human touch. We need to be able to talk to people. I think that's one of the reasons why I'm so depressed. I don't have anyone else to talk to except Jennifer. It's not that I don't like talking to her or anything but I don't wanna keep bothering her with my stuff. Believe it or not, I've only learnt how to bottle up my feelings since I came here. Never back home. I used to blurt everything to mom when random thoughts cross my mind. Or my brother...used to annoy the hell outta him.

P once said to me "being independent doesn't mean you have to be lonely". And I so agree on that! I mean, I used to think if you're able to be alone, entertain yourself, live life alone, do things alone, you're independent. It's so NOT! It's called depressing! =( And I also realised something else about myself. I love to be surrounded by people. People whom I can talk to. People whom I can laugh with. I don't enjoy walking down Rundle Mall alone, looking at people passing me by. I only enjoy it when I've been surrounded by people for too long. Hah, but I haven't been surrounded by people for months now! All I need is some human touch!! If it means going out and roaming the streets alone, I'd rather stay in my room all day and read or surf the net.

OK, I admit it. I miss the life in Hosanna. Not the place, but the people, the company! Those were the days when I could just walk outta my room and into any of my friend's room!! When I'm stressed, I could just look for them to relieve stress and it actually works! At least I never always stayed in my room...now I stay in my room most of the time...I think even the walls are laughing at me!

As I'm typing this, I just wish I could walk to the sink and vomit!!!! Hate the feeling of nausea. o.O I can just go on and on and on...enough. I'm starting to feel sleepy..

Me =(

Dear John

The title of this post is the title of the book I just finished reading. Yes, I was considering whether to finish reading it or not but I finally did. *sigh* It's always like this. Whenever I feel down/depressed, it has to rain...

I read it on the bus, this time not caring whether anyone's looking...cause I just cried like nobody's business!!!! The book simply left me with a hole in my heart, a heartache. ='(( I think I'm starting to love Nicholas Spark's books. His 2 books - A walk to remember and The notebook - were made into blockbuster movies and I loved them!! Although I enjoyed the books more than the movies cause the books made me cry like a baby whereas the movies did not totally portray the stories in the books. Now I'm hoping that Dear John will be made into a movie cause I know I'll cry my heart out.

I used to be completely naive about love. I thought things too simply. I used to think that as long as 2 people are in love, nothing matters and that they'll eventually be together...boy, I was wrong!! Now I have a totally different perspective of love! How do you define love? It's so subjective I don't even know where to start! Reading Dear John really makes me dwell in John's (the main male character) feelings. Everything he felt, everything that he went through etc. And I CANNOT imagine if I was in his shoes, losing the girl he loves to the girl's childhood friend, and seeing her with her wedding ring....Why?!?! When I read this:

When she released my hand, I saw her wedding band glinting on her left finger. The sight of it doused me with a cold splash of reality.
She recognised my expression. "Yes," she said, "I'm married."

I felt like stabbing myself!!!! =S I can literally feel his heart breaking.

The girl's (Savannah) husband, Tim, had this disease and the doctors weren't sure if he could make it. During John's visit to the hospital, this is what Tim said to him:

"You still love her, don't you? It's OK, I already know. I've always known. I can still remember Savannah's face the first time she talked about you. I'd never seen her like that. I was happy for her because there was something about you that I trusted right away. That whole first year you were gone, she missed you so much. It was like her heart was breaking a little bit every single day. You were all she could think about. And then she found out you weren't coming home and we ended up in Lenoir and my parents died and...You always knew I was in love with her too, didn't you?"

I nodded.

"I thought so. I've loved her since I was 12 years old. And gradually, she fell in love with me, too."

"Why are you telling me this?"

"Because it wasn't the same. I know she loves me, but she's never loved me the way she loved you. She never had that burning passion for me, but we were making a good life together. Then I got sick, but she's always here, caring for me the same way I'd care for her if it was happening to her. Yesterday, when you came in, I saw the way she was looking at you, and I knew that she still loved you. More than that, I know she always will. It breaks my heart, but you know what? I'm still in love with her, and to me that means that I want nothing more than for her to be happy in life. I want that more than anything. It's all I've ever wanted for her."

"What are you saying?"

"I'm saying don't forget Savannah if anything happens to me. And promise that you'll always treasure her the same way I do."

"Tim..."

"Don't say anything, John. Just remember what I say, okay?"
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Outside the hospital, when John bumped into Savannah. The part which made me tear like crazy!!

"Were you going to come say good-bye?"

"I don't know. I haven't thought that far ahead."

"What did you and Tim talk about?"

"You should probably ask him that question."

"So this is good-bye?"

"Yes, I think it is."

"Can I write to you?"

"I'm not sure if that's a good idea."

"I don't understand."

"Yes, you do. You're married to Tim, not me. He's a good man, Savannah. A better man than me, that's for sure, and I'm glad you married him. As much as I love you, I'm not willing to break up a marriage for it. And deep down, I don't think you are, either. Even if you love me, you love him, too. It took me a little while to realise that, but I'm sure of it."

"Will we ever see each other again?"

"I don't know but I'm hoping we don't."

"How can you say that?"

"Because it means that Tim's going to be okay. And I have a feeling that it's all going to turn out the way it should."

"You can't say that! You can't promise that!"

"No, I can't."

"Then why does it have to end now? Like this?"

A tear spilled down her face, and despite the fact that I knew I should simply walk away, I took a step forward to her. When I was close, I gently wiped it away. In her eyes I could see fear and sadness, anger and betrayal. But most of all, I saw them pleading with me to change my mind.

"You're married to Tim, and your husband needs you. All of you. There's no room for me, and we both know there shouldn't be."

As more tears started flowing down her face, I felt my own eyes fill up. I leaned in and kissed Savannah gently on the lips, then took her in my arms and held her tight.

"I love you, Savannah, and I always will. You're the best thing that's ever happened to me. You were my best friend and my lover, and I don't regret a single moment of it. You made me feel alive again, and most of all, you gave me my father. I'll never forget that. You're always going to be the very best part of me. I'm sorry it has to be this way, but I have to leave, and you have to see your husband."

As I spoke, I could feel her shaking with sobs, and I continued to hold her for a long time afterward. When we finally separated, I knew that it would be the last time I ever held her. I backed away, my eyes holding Savannah's.

"I love you too, John.

"Good-bye."

And with that, she wiped her face and began walking toward the hospital.
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Love is just too complicated!! Both of them still love each other but...somehow she also loves her husband...I know her love for both of them is different...OMG...I'm going round n round in circles! I can't get my thoughts straight. Before I end this pointless post, take a read:

I finally understood what true love really meant. Tim had told me - and shown me - that love meant that you care for another person's happiness more than your own, no matter how painful the choices you face might be.

I lead my life feeling that something is missing that I somehow need to make my life complete. I know that my feeling about Savannah will never change, and I know I will always wonder about the choice I made. And sometimes, despite myself, I wonder if Savannah feels the same way.
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I end up typing such a long post...but I just have to share this story with the whole world!! =') I wonder if I would make the same choice as John did...*sigh*

XOXO,
Me

Distance...

After reading my housemate's blog about this guy being a total angel by working in order to get his gf an air ticket so that she could fly here, to Adelaide, to see him, it kinda tugged at my heart. LOL
I know I should be working on this essay of mine, but my mind keeps wandering...

Just realised today's 11th of May. It's also the day I should return the book I borrowed from the State Library. But I haven't finished reading it...I'm not sure if I WANT to finish reading it. It's written by Nicholas Sparks, the author of A Walk to Remember and The Notebook, both really touching romantic movies.=')

So I turned to the last chapter to read...and after a few lines, I feel like crying already! Now you understand why I'm not sure I want to finish reading it. Last Wednesday, when I was reading this book on the bus on the way to uni, tears filled up my eyes. Trying to blink the tears away, I looked up to let the sunshine dry them. But it was super embarrassing!!! Cause a guy saw me "crying" and he wouldn't stop staring...my gosh! So I buried my head in my bag...Lesson learnt: Never read touching books on the bus!!

I love getting myself lost in books (not textbooks, thank you very much). Everytime I read, I feel like I'm in a world of my own. No worries, no frustrations, nobody else but me. However, I hate the feeling when I have to draw myself away from the book, because it just feels like I've just landed back on Earth, and everything else negative that goes with it rushes back to me, making me grasping for air. *sigh* I'm sure Maree understands this feeling...LOL ;) or maybe not.

Why is it sometimes in life, even though 2 people love each other so deeply, they just can't be together?! Why!? I can never understand that...it breaks my heart (literally) everytime I read them in books/watch them in movies. I can actually FEEL the pain. If it means losing the one I love, I'd rather never have them in the first place. People might say "it's better than to have loved before than to never loved at all". I totally disagree to that!!

*sigh* Ok ok...enough of this sadness, I'll tell you something interesting that has happened to me for the past week! Last Monday was my 20th birthday! And I think it was rather memorable! =D Well, I was dreading the arrival of my birthday because 1) I didn't have a plan on how to celebrate 2) Even if I had a plan, I wouldn't be able to celebrate with EVERYONE who means something to me 3) my birthday fell on a weekday, which meant most of the people would be quite busy with their work/simply don't feel like going out on a weekday.

Since most of the people wouldn't wanna go out on a Monday, I decided to "celebrate" it with my housemate on Sunday night by going out for dessert and a drink. After deciding where to go for dessert and a drink, I asked another friend, J, who lives in the suburb to come along as well. My housemate even put make-up on me! LOL it's the 2nd time I have make up on after prom. At first everything went OK, we went to the dessert place as planned. Was kind of disappointed with the dessert though cause it wasn't satisfactory. Anyway, after finishing our dessert, we headed to Chocolate Bean, to realise that it was CLOSED!! =S Bummer! So the 3 of us ended up walking up and down Rundle Street, hoping to find a place that serves cocktails (the reason we wanted to go to Choc Bean was to try out a cocktail called Toblerone). In the end we settled down at CIBO for a drink instead. I felt so bad towards J cause she took the bus all the way to the city just to walk up and down Rundle Street =S

When I woke up Monday morning to go to my Human Nutrition prac which required us to fast (we were gonna do a Glycaemic Index prac), I felt crap, thinking "here it goes...birthday = no birthday..." I was prepared to not have anything special on that day to avoid disappointment.

*fast forward*

Came back from class in the afternoon, was on my computer, deleting applications on my facebook page when my house mate came into my room asking me what I was doing. So I just simply replied "cleaning my facebook page" and she was gone, back to her room. After a split second, she waltzed into my room with a cake in hand whilst exclaiming in a very high-pitched voice, "Happy Birthday!!!" LOL I suddenly felt awake! Awwww~ How sweet of her!! I guess she knew how "miserable" I was XD She took a picture of me blowing "invisible candles" on the cake. We decided to save the cake for dessert at night.

Our initial plan was to go to Chocolate Bean that night because we didn't make it the night before but when I called Choc Bean up, the woman on the other line told me that they closed at 6pm =( So we thought maybe we can just go another day. That night, I was doing some readings when my friends, E and L, called to say they've reached my place. I went down to open the door for them. They said they wanted to come up to my apartment so I thought y not?

*fast forward*

My bible study leaders planned a surprise birthday mini party for me! How thoughtful of them...and a friend from OCF baked a cake for me with marshmallows lined up on the cake to make out my age! Awwww~ Was kinda touched. That was my 1st ever birthday surprise =) So, my birthday was memorable after all. Oh, and I had 2 leftover cakes to be eaten for breakfast the whole week! Hahaha...

XOXO,
Me

Untitled

Every single thing - songs, people on the streets, the colour of the sky, pics of family and friends - u name it, makes me wanna cry.

Even chatting with a friend makes me cry.

First time ever in my life, I wanna cry n cry n cry n cry n cry until the tears in me run dry.
I wanna cry till the sun rises on the horizon the next day.
I wanna cry till every emotion is numbed.
I wanna cry till I never cry ever again in my lifetime.
I wanna cry till my eyes go blind.

I just wanna cry...
I just need a shoulder to lean on n cry,
or to cry in a friend/family member's embrace.

YF, sorry if I scared u...thanks for listening to me, really appreciate it but my tears are flowing again. Damn!! I'll try to be strong...really need to. =)

XOXO,
Me

为什么...

...我从来就不会为别人着想？我总是顾着自己的利益行事。
刚刚读过我小学好朋友的blog, 目前在考虑要到哪里念书。
当我看他开心的文字，感觉到他跟家人团聚的幸福！
他提到想到纽西兰念书，但是一年里就花上好大一笔钱，又不想爸妈为钱的事而操心。
读着，读着，眼泪又不听使唤的像瀑布般流下...

为什么，我就没有为我爸妈想过？
因为自己的野心想到外国读书，就没有考虑过他们是否担当得起这个负担。
毕竟，他们的年纪也大了，是时候让他们享福。
之前又想过找份兼职工作，但开学了，觉得如果做工的话，就没时间做功课，所以也没有找了。
有好几次，别人都问我我是否会逗留在澳洲找份工作，安顿下来，我都不知道要怎么回答。
一方面，我想留下来赚些奥币再回去，一方面又不舍得家人，想尽快回去找份工作，能够天天陪在他们身边。
现在我才明白爸妈不是永远都会陪在我们身边，他们也许明天就走了，那时候，我们就会后悔没有好好孝顺他们，遗憾也来不及了。
以前中年的时候，总是想尽快离开家到外国念书，不必再听爸妈唠唠叨叨。
但，我现在才真的真得明白他们所做的一切都是为我好！为什么就不能让我早点明白呢？！为什么？！

这是我对自己和爸妈的承诺：我会好好孝顺你们到你们离开我。其实想早点结婚的原因也是希望我的孩子能够至少跟他的外婆外公有接触。

爸，妈，你们也许不知道，我真的真的很感谢你们对我的养育之恩，为我做的一切！

XOXO,
Me

Weird dreams in the night

And again...I had weird dreams.

I know one of the dreams was about my insecurity and I shall not reveal the dream here cause it's juz too out-of-this-world even I cannot believe it myself.

You know, I made this new year resolution that I shall not be too emotional anymore but somehow sometimes I feel like crying!! Anyway, back to my dreams. I dreamt that I was back in my aunt's house and my cousin brought her 6-month-old son along all the way from Singapore. He was really really happy to see me and he wanted me to carry him. In that dream, I actually felt how I felt for him in real life. That warm fuzzy feeling everytime I see/carry him. While learning about child language development yesterday, I nearly cried, thinking that when I get back and see him again, he'd be 1+ year old and could speak already. Seriously I never felt so much for a baby before I treat him like my own son and I really really really really love him to bits.

I don't know if this is a test from God or what, but everytime when my life seems to be perfect, it crumbles down again...and feelings of insecurity and depression overwhelm me so much that I can't hold back my tears any longer. Why?! Why do we even have to grow up? I thought studying overseas would be fun, you know? I always thought it as a holiday...but no. When reality sinkcs in, lfe is not as easy as that. I hate it!! Another thing I hate is that I get attached to people too easily. I hate it when that happens because I have to have people I'm attached to to be around often. Not always, but often. To this point, I dunno what I'm babbling about anymore...

p/s: Sue...I don't think I'll find back me in Adelaide...I worry too much here, I cry too much here...

XOXO,
Me

Give thanks...

...in any circumstance.

I'm not sure why but Fridays are usually the worst day of my week. On Fridays, I'm messed up, unprepared for the day and everything goes wrong.

It was the same yesterday. I was supposed to sit for Human Physiology quiz yesterday. The night before, I finished off my Psychology essay and started working real hard on studying for my quiz. Woke up early to study as well. I crammed as much information as possible, hoping that I'd not do too bad in the quiz as this is the final quiz of the semester and it's worth 10%!

At around 12pm, my friends came and asked if I wanted to have lunch with them at Chinatown so I said ok since I need to have lunch before my tutorial anyway. Got changed without showering, packed my stuff and out we went to the city!

There was an accident along North Terrace so the bus arrived our stop later than usual. We walked as fast as possible to Chinatown so that we'd get our food soon and I can finish my food early and rush to uni. I gobbled up my food up in 15-20 mins and started walking towards uni. While walking I felt like vomiting the beef noodles I just ate. Anyway, usually my tutor gives some revision on the topic that we're supposed to have our quiz on and then give us the quiz during the last half an hour before tutorial ends. I was so sure!!

The worst thing happened when I reached my tutorial, panting and sweating, being late for 10 minutes. Everyone stared at me in silence and the tutor gave me a weird look. My heart was having a battle inside whether I should say something or go get a seat. So I said, "I'm really sorry I'm late..." whilst walking to a seat. No one moved...everyone was dead still and I thought that I was in deep shit!! That moment, the tutor opened his mouth, saying, "You're short of these" and showing me the quiz papers in his hand. So, I forced my voice out and asked, "Can I have one please?" The tension in class was so intense I felt myself hot all over and wanting to kill myself that very moment. He said, "No" When that word came out from his mouth, my heart was pounding like crazy in my chest, I thought I was gonna suffocate. I thought I heard him wrongly until he repeated the same thing. He said I couldn't take the quiz because everyone else has done and marked it!! The worst thing was when he said, "I'm not sure how long you've been outside studying." What the...?!@#$% He thought I was outside studying?! That very second, I felt my world turning....This can't happen to me!! I rushed all my way from Chinatown right after having my beef noodles, risking having a super bad digestion because I ran and I went there for nothing!!!! I was so embarrassed after how he treated me. Considering the fact that I'm the only Chinese there and I have to experience this kinda shitty thing didn't help at all! No one said anything and they all went, "awwww" I didn't even bother to differentiate whether that "awwww" was a sympathetic one or a sarcastic one. I mumbled, "Oh, ok" and went to take a seat. Thinking that they were still discussing the answers to the quiz, I politely asked the girl next to me if I could have a look at hers. Little did I know, the second I sat down, the tutor went, "OK! You guys can go now!"

ARRGGGHHHH!! It was so frustrating...I went there for 5 minutes and I'm gone!! Sms-ed a few of my Penang friends to tell them what happened (like what I always used to do back home) and called my friends who were still at Charlie's Shack (the beef noodle shop) to meet them up. Briefly told them that I missed my quiz. I was angry at myself for being late...but I was angry at my tutor as well for embarrassing me in front of the whole class!! Where would I put my face after this?! Met up with E and L. Waited at the bus stop in front of Royal Adelaide Hospital (RAH) and when E asked me what exactly happened, I burst out crying halfway. I never felt so devastated in my life. I cried so loudly everyone could hear me...but I just didn't care! I was so angry and anger turned to tears...It was all so comical though, L scolded E for making my cry and E defended herself by saying it wasn't her fault. Imagine this: I was there crying in E's embrace and there they were scolding each other. It was all so funny. This "conversation" took place as well: -

L: Shhh...don't cry already...*looking embarrassed* Everyone's looking...
E: I don't care!! Let her cry...it's better that way...
L: Not you la!! Her!!
E: You think she cares meh?! She cry until like that means she doesn't care la!!

Part of me wanted to laugh but my tears kept pouring out of my eyes like a loose tap. Got on the bus with watery and swollen eyes. Bus was full so we had to stand. Well, P2 was a little shocked to see my cry so he didn't know what to do. LOL E and L2, on the other hand, kept finding ways to cheer me up, with hugs, with words of comfort, you name it, they've done it. The more they comforted me, the more I cried...=') I know it's not the end of the world with that 10% but the thing that made me saddest was how my tutor treated me. How could he say that?! If he just told me that I couldn't take the quiz because I was late then it's fine. I could just take it and suck it in. Instead he said he wasn't sure how long I've been outside studying?! First time in my life, I cried like there's nobody watching. I still remember last semester when I cried and I was waiting at the bus stop with swollen and watery eyes, P came walking towards me. He really made my day. Just seeing him makes me smile again...but not anymore. Seeing him just makes my heart ache. How can 2 people who used to be so close be so distant now? I feel like we're strangers...

So, upon reaching home, I wrapped myself in my blanket, hoping to fall asleep and forget everything that has happened. I did fall asleep...when M2 came knocking on my door after coming back from her class with P. *sigh* Told her my "ordeal" and she was quite sympathetic.
As I was telling her, the memory of everything was fading already. Got up and prepared to catch the bus to the city as I had OCF and L said he wanted to buy me ice cream to cheer me up...=D Felt so bad for making a big deal out of it. Now as I think back, it wasn't anything big, really. After having my dinner and ice cream, everything was fine again. Thanks L!!

While worshiping Him, a sense of peace came over me and I remember that bible verse that says "Give thanks in any circumstance". What L said was true I guess, He wouldn't let this happen unless He wants. Maybe it could be a blessing in disguise. I'll never know...

OH!! The funniest thing happened to me after OCF. Everyone was gone already. G and I stayed back to wait for P to drive us home while E and L went to pass something to P3 at her house. Before E and L left for P3's house, she asked me to finish off the potato chips and to throw it in the dustbin inside the guys' toilet (the nearest) if I don't want it anymore. So, after eating a few chips, I decided to throw it away. G followed me from behind while I opened the door of the guys' toilet. First door...no dustbin....2nd door....OMG! There was a guy standing there dunno-doing-what! Both of us ran out like lightning when that guy turned around and said "What are you doing?!"!! We started laughing hysterically...Fortunately, I did not see anything that I shouldn't have seen!

I knew that guy so it wasn't that bad. He came laughing and asked if it was me. LOL I said oops...yeah...and I just wanted to get to the dustbin, assuring him that I did not see a single thing! He said, "It's ok, I'm sure you didn't see anything" >.<

My "day" (or night) got better, I was laughing and talking like normal. Had G come over my room to talk...and wow! We talked till 3:38am so I went to sleep right after she left and woke up at 12:30pm today, right on time for lunch!! XP

p/s: About P...It's time to do what's best for me, I gotta go my own way. =) 等待竟累积成伤害，爱深埋珊瑚海。 Shall just go with the flow~

XOXO,
Me

Stress...

...can kill.

It's late but I'm here blogging. Why? Cause I need to let out some feelings...

I'm not sure if I used to be this stress in college, considering the fact that there were a lot of assignments to do as well.

Right now, I feel lifeless...Hate assignments, especially those that require you to list more than 10 references!! =S

Help!!

Tell me, Jennifer, Prasana, Natalie...whoever went through college with me, was I this stressed??

I know I'm an easily stressed person and I think I'm not Psychology material but then I know I'm here for a reason...hopefully.

I think I'm having an anxiety disorder of some sort >.< Since schooling days, I can't sleep well when I have assignments due, exams coming up or after studying a subject that requires lots of memorising. I would dream about things I need to accomplish and things that happened before I sleep (in this case, studying/doing assignments).

S, who keeps "attacking" me whenever I speak because I'm a Psychology (or maybe cause I'm female) student makes me wonder if I'm doing the right thing. Then again, I shouldn't let people bring me down cause I live for myself and not others.

Everytime this happens, the angel and devil inside me would proclaim war in my head. ARRGGGHHHH!

Could it be because I miss home? Back home when I'm stressed, I'll overcome it really quickly but here, I don't know...I just feel like I'd break anytime. This could be one of the reasons that led me to thinking about my family.

Experienced a major realisation today...

Sometimes crying is the only way to express how you feel...=')

I'd give up my tomorrows for just one yesterday. A hug anyone??

If tomorrow never comes, I just wanna tell all of you back home and here and all over Australia, US, UK and Japan that I love you guys alot alot!! [this doesn't sound like me =S]

I've been insensitive and inconsiderate in the past, would you forgive me?

See what stress made me do?! Reading too much on anxiety disorders doesn't help a teeny weeny bit as well...*sigh*

Counting the days till I stand at the arrival hall at Penang International Airport, waving frantically to my family and relatives with a big smile on my face...

Be strong, girl...Another 3 months and you'll get to go back home...home is where the heart is. I never understood that phrase until I came here.

I'm being super long-winded =S

Since I'm already typing this post, I might as well continue typing until I don't feel the stress anymore.

Used to think that people who are homesick are just plain weak. I thought I'd never feel homesick because I was so eager to leave home and venture the world, experience new experiences, meet new people, make new friends, learn new stuff and learn to be independent. Now I understand what my other friends meant when they say that we used to be so sheltered and protected.

I guess being sentimental doesn't help either. Knowing that my cousin's gonna give birth this month and I won't be there to see her newborn makes me a lil sad...Kids...I wanna see them grow...1 stage after another...By the time I fly to Singapore in December, her son would be 3 months old already. I'd never know how he looks like when he was born. And so this is the time when I rely on pictures to tell me stories.

Pictures...Lost 3 years' worth of pics right before I came here. I was totally heart broken. How would I remember my memories when I reach 70 or 80?? I would need pics to remind me then. *sigh*

I don't know what I'm babbling about. Maybe it's the bottled-up feelings.

Gonna stop before I bore anyone with this not-so-happy post =)

p/s: all my friends out there, you're not forgotten and never will be...[pls ignore all grammatical errors]

XOXO,
Me

Death

What is death?

Does it mean that that someone is forever gone?

Or because of death, that someone forever lives?

*SIGH*

I woke up today feeling quite happy, when my friend msged me on msn, telling me that Kai Loon had died in a road accident this morning...at 3am...

Kai Loon was very close to my friend. She got to know him at Air Itam Methodist Church...and I got to know him during a church camp in 2001...I wasn't really close to him...but it is too overwhelming to know the person u know can actually leave his family and friends behind...

I was shocked...no tears, no nothing...my friend on the other end of msn was still crying...she told me she couldn't concentrate on her lectures the whole morning...and i totally understand...I told her everything happens for a reason, although i'm not quite certain what the reason is...I told her he'll be better off staying at the Lord's side...

I know that God has a bigger plan for us...we must put our trust in Him...

May Kai Loon rest in peace...I'm sure he'll be dearly missed by family and friends...especially his younger bro, Kai Tit...