I don't even know why...

...I'm writing this post. It's not like I have any updates (good ones) anyway.

It's just that besides praying, there's no one else I could turn to. I've been feeling extremely emotional and depressed for the past few weeks. I'm starting to feel that there's something wrong with me. Well, I blame hormones because I missed my period last month. But then again, I've never felt this way ever...

For the past 2 weeks, I kept feeling a lump in my chest. I really want to cry but I can't, and then I would cry over the most random things ever. These days I try to distant myself from everyone. I just don't feel like I'm in my best condition to interact socially, not even short conversations. However, I'd always log onto Facebook and Skype, hoping to find someone from home to talk to. Someone to hear me rant or just distract me from what I've been feeling. I'd always end up not talking to anyone in fear that I'm making them feel upset too. Even when I do talk to my mom, I'm always so happy-sounding but the moment she gets off Skype, I'm back to where I was.

Winter has gone...and Spring is finally here but I'm not feeling as happy as I thought I would, although sunshine does make everything seem a LITTLE bit better. Just a few days ago, I was feeling so down but I had an appointment with a friend to go shopping so I went anyway. The whole day, I felt like my chest was going to burst because I was suppressing my tears the whole afternoon. Really tried to cheer up and enjoyed the shopping but the moment I came home, everything's just back to how it was.

Funny thing is, everyone thinks I'm doing fine here, simply because of how happy I look in my Facebook pictures. Then again, who puts up sad pictures on Facebook? I really long to laugh again without constraints......Many times I think I really need to see a psychologist, someone to tell me what's wrong with me.

Should've showered an hour ago but ended up tearing up like no tomorrow. *sigh* Gotta suck it up and go cook dinner now. May tomorrow be a better day.

It's the time of year

For the first time I'm spending Christmas away from home. Although the Christmas atmosphere is everywhere in the UK, I still feel....a teeny weeny bit of homesickness. But it's OK, I'm fine. Really. It's just that seeing status updates and pictures of friends spending Christmas with their friends and family back home on Facebook does sting, no matter how I tell myself that it's OK.

Can't believe it's Christmas already, 7 days later we'll be welcoming the new year! And then the new term starts again. The moment I reached home from my Christmas eve dinner with the church saints, I received Christmas wishes on my wall and it made me really nostalgic. I reflected on the past year and thought...I didn't do much. I spent most of my time working, going out with friends and sleeping, or even wasting time away in front of the computer. To be honest, I don't think I spent much time with my family. *guilty* My aunts and cousins are already in Penang today with my niece and nephew and I really wish I could be home to see everyone!

I never knew how much I wanted to be with my family until now. T_T Like one of my friends said, she never knew she wanted to be home so much before she worked in the US for such a long time. I guess humans are like that. We never know what we want until we lose it. At this point I don't think I'm structuring coherent sentences. Anyway, I realised that every year I would make resolutions, all psyched up for the new year but....they never go the way as planned. This time I shall refrain myself from making resolutions. I just hope that I am able to complete my postgraduate studies and not get too shitty a grade.

In the past year, I fell in and out of love. Let's just say...it doesn't matter if you never get to be with the one you love because as long as he is happy, you are happy and that's all that matters. =) Finally, I can proudly say that I am freed from all those sticky love issues. I've never felt this relieved for a long time and it feels awesome!!!!

Tomorrow's Christmas...I think I'm spending my night in PJ's wrapped up in my warm blanket and watch Love Actually and have dessert. Hmmm...sounds like a plan! Whoever's reading this, merry christmas and a happy new year!!

XOXO
Me

有时候我真的不了解自己

我到底是不是个怕寂寞的人？有时候觉得是，但有时候却觉得自己很喜欢一个人 － 一个人逛街、一个人买菜、一个人发呆、一个人探险。久而久之，就真的享受一个人的生活。也许我也算是怕改变的人吧。在这里两个多月了，也渐渐习惯了一个人。有时候很想找朋友聊聊天，又怕我打扰了人家，所以就制止自己去找人家。

前天一位朋友来找我。因多年不见，我对这个计划有点排斥，但相处了一天之后又慢慢熟了起来。人生就是这样吧，没有什么东西是永久的，有聚就有散。出去走了一天，我朋友就决定当晚回去。送他去火车站之后，突然心头有种郁闷。回到我房间面对着四面墙，没人跟我说话，没有人和我一起吃晚餐。这些不是我之前一直以来的习惯吗？怎么突然觉得不是滋味呢？

我朋友说人就是犯贱的。我想也是，在生活里我们不可能什么东西都依自己的意思行事。想一个人的时候，别人偏偏有空；而当我想要有人陪时，别人却很忙。也因为这样，为了不想造成别人的困扰，我变得很孤僻吧。在这里同班同学虽然都相处得很好，一旦下课各有各的生活和节目。想要找一个能够谈心事的朋友也难，每个人的文化不同，想要对方能够给予的忍耐度有限，完全不能自己。唉！算了吧，现在接受事实也好。离读完书还有九个月，我可以撑过去的。

寒假开始了，每个人都纷纷回家跟家人相聚庆祝圣诞节。原本宿舍的车场泊满了车，现在车场都空空的，看了有点心酸。好想一个人去背包旅行，但是又怕父母担心，因为一些地方扒手很多，治安没那么好。

Just when I think things are getting better...

...it doesn't. It's like a never-ending cycle. I'm starting to get really sick of this. Getting so annoyed with myself even. I'll survive...I know I will, because I always do. :)

Been listening to this lately.




Just when I thought I stopped missing...I do again. argh!

Well...time to study, no time to think!!!!

XOXO

New horizon

Dear blog,

It's me again. I know you're tired of my emo rants lately, please bear with me. I guess it's true when they say it's a new day, new horizon...because everything seems so yesterday when you wake up the next day though sometimes you can't help but to feel like each new day is a continuation of that emo-ness you felt the previous day. But I digress. Today I woke up feeling much better...physically and emotionally. Yay!

Had a short chat with my bro last night because I was kind of desperate to talk to someone. I'm not exactly extremely close to my brother but we do find each other when we have things to rant/talk about. So yesterday I asked him if I could pack my bags and leave already. All he did was to say the things that I needed to hear (not necessarily the things I want to hear) and I felt much better after crying again. I finally experienced that overwhelming pain when you're truly missing someone so much. I really do miss everyone back home.

Do we feel because we're human, or are we human because we feel?

p.s.: I'm sure when I look back I'll laugh over all my emo blog posts...patiently waiting for that day to come.

XOXO

怎么样才能够停止对一个人的思念？

一眼之念 一念执著
注定就此飞蛾扑火
明知是祸 为何还不知所措
最好不见 最好不念
如此才可不与你相恋
多一步的擦肩
就步步沦陷

是时间的过错
让我们只能错过
我多想念 你多遥远
早知道是苦果
这一刻也不想逃脱
可惜这字眼太刺眼
两个世界之后
只好 情深 缘浅

你有没有试过想一个人想到胸口好闷，好像快爆炸那样？说真的，这感觉还是前所未有。我到底怎么了？！啊！！！张依灵，醒醒吧！

I wonder...

what would have happened if I had continued studying postgraduate in Psychology straight after my fourth year of undergraduate studies?

It's quite amazing how things turn out. I remember one thing my lecturer said...it always comes to time. Sometimes something that seems good at a time would not necessarily be a good thing when you're in the future; and something that seems so terrible at a time would turn out to be a blessing afterwards. I completely agree to that because I have experienced this myself.

I still remember in year 2011, I had a huge fight with my family and even went on a hunger strike. And I didn't even celebrate my birthday then. Needless to say, I was feeling very miserable then. So I was determined to find a job, any job be it full-time or part-time, I just needed to keep myself occupied. So I started working as a part-time retail assistant, which turned out to be the biggest blessing in my life. Not only did I get to experience working in a retail industry, I also made a group of really good friends! After more than two months, I decided I needed a change of working environment so off to XX education counselling centre I went!

Well, I have mixed feelings about my 2nd job. What I loved about it was that I only had to go to work at 11am, which allowed me to sleep in a little. And because I was still working on a part-time basis, I wasn't expected much in terms of responsibilities. To be honest, I don't remember what I did the whole 6 months there, except for I don't know...having lazy moments and fooling around with my then colleague when our seniors weren't around.

One thing that never fails to make me laugh was my first impression of my then colleague (then, because now he's my friend...sort of. lol). First day of work and my boss was introducing me to the other 2 ppl in the office and he didn't even look up. I wasn't even sure if I should say hi or just walk to my 'corner'. Felt really awkward...until one day he asked if I wanted to go out for lunch. Honestly, I kind of felt relieved because I finally got to escape my corner for a while and OMG someone to talk to! *tears of joy* I haven't talked in the office at all since I started working there. You wouldn't know how torturing it is for me, a girl who talks non-stop 24/7 and laughs randomly when thinks of something funny. I think throughout that 6 months, I did change to become a person who controls myself a lot more - think before speaking etc.

Now 1 year and 3 months later, we're still friends...in fact we kept in touch quite a lot even after I've stopped working there. Then again, this makes me wonder...if I had gone into Masters right after my bachelor's degree, I wouldn't have worked as a RA and gotten to know my friends whom I'm still in close contact with; and if I hadn't changed jobs to work at XX education counselling centre, I wouldn't have gotten to know my then colleague, right? Oh, and not forgetting...I wouldn't have gotten the chance to drive around Penang and getting to know the roads! I've learnt the existence of so many roads in Penang just because I got lost a lot!

Just 2 months ago, I was contemplating to come to the UK or to defer it to next year because I wasn't mentally prepared to leave. However, my mom was determined to get me on that plane! lol. Well I think she did the right thing, if I hadn't gotten on that plane, I don't think I'd ever get myself to. Time really does fly...it's been 2 months...soon it'd be 3 months, 4 months...and then it'd be time to pack my bags and go home! A few nights ago when I was feeling terribly sick, I had a dream. In that dream, I felt the excitement of going home....I was happily packing all my things to be shipped home. I remember that smile on my face. I was genuinely happy. But of course when I woke up, the excitement faded.

Before I forget, I think staying back in Penang in 2011 was awesome because I also got to bond better with my college friends. We weren't exactly close back in college and when one of them went to Adelaide to complete her final year of undergraduate studies, we became a little closer. But it was our wed night market outings that got us much closer. As her bf is in Manchester, we always joke about how she's in a LDR with 2 people. lol. I think I tend to think way too much, like how when I get so excited to chat with her, I can't help but wonder if she feels the same or if she feels i'm way too annoying.

Anyway, I am so thankful for many things even though my life is not perfect. I am thankful for basically everything, even the bad and the ugly, because without them I wouldn't know how to appreciate the good things in life. To everyone who makes a difference in my life - I LOVE YOU!

This picture was taken in 2008, when I was having lunch with J in Adelaide. 

Love actually is all around. 

XOXO

 

Is time ever enough?

They say everything takes time. When you're in a situation, it feels like time is just creeping by really slowly. Sometimes you might think time isn't moving at all and you wonder to yourself when all of these would be over.

It's been 2 months since I arrived here. Two months is not long yet it's not very short either. Every time I'm away from home, I learn a little bit more about myself which I have never known...which is kind of scary in a way. At times I wonder if I do have a psychological issue (e.g., depression, bipolar). Many times when I laugh here, that laughter doesn't last...it fades away like vapour in the wind. And then I'm back in my room all alone, facing those four walls. I would look out at the sky but the sky here is gloomy most of the time, so there's no point in looking at it.

I talk to myself so often I think I might go crazy. On normal days, I'd have the following conversation with myself:

Me: You've got to snap out of this! You've got to be strong!
Me2: I know...but sometimes I can't help it...
Me: You know you've got to do what a girl's got to do!!
Me2: I guess you're right...I'll try...
Me: You can do this!
Me2: I guess...

That's how I encourage myself when I have no one to talk to. I can't possibly keep looking for someone to talk to when I need to. Everyone has their own lives to live. Their world doesn't revolve around just me. When friends and family ask how I'm coping/doing, my usual standard reply would be "fine...good good, all normal" because there's no point in saying what's true when awkward silence would follow.  I recently find that I get unusually emotional AFTER talking to my family. I always thought that talking to them would make me feel much better but right after I hang up, my tears decide to just come out and have some fun.

In a way I'm thankful that I'm out of my comfort zone at the moment. I am able to take a step back and see things more clearly. When I was in my comfort zone, I was under the protective wings of my family, being surrounded by friends to some extent I feel overwhelmed. I always longed for some alone time. How ironic...Now that I can have all the alone time in the world, I'd rather be surrounded by family and friends. I guess "you" are right, humans 'fan jian'. lol.

So I ponder on many many things, such as how change is inevitable in this world and that we have to learn to accept it, no matter how unwilling we feel. Had a 2-hour conversation with a friend of 14 years who is working in the US yesterday. We shared our feelings about going home and one thing she said that struck me was "I used to want to leave Malaysia and never go back, but as I grow older I realise that I just want to go home! I just want to pack my bags and leave!" At that moment I didn't feel so alone. I feel exactly the same way! My initial plan was to stay in the UK to find an internship or a job but now the plan's out the window! When I finish studying, I would want to fly home immediately. Forget about all the pounds that I could be earning, I just want to go home. I want to see my adorable niece and nephew grow up, spend time with them, and be a part of every happy occasion.

As I've been feeling emotional lately, you seem to find me at the right time every time. Come to think of it, I feel terrible. When you were going through difficult times, I was at a loss of words to say or things to do to cheer you up. I thank you for being so selfless, I don't know why I deserve a friend like you. Really. Sometimes I feel like I don't deserve the people around me but yet God has brought each and everyone of you into my life! Perhaps this is a way for me to learn to appreciate the people around me.

p/s: So sorry to whoever that is still reading this. Nothing happy has really happened in my life and I really need to "pen down" my frustrations.

Blue...

I never understood why people use "blue" to describe feelings of down-ness. I mean, blue is my favourite colour and if I was given the choice, I would choose everything blue! So, for me blue is the colour that describes both happiness and sadness (not so much of sadness, but emo-ness). 

I've been here for 7 weeks already. Time sure does fly when you're busy with your life, which is a good thing sometimes - when you need to get your mind off certain things. I still remember that feeling when I just arrived, everything was in a mess. Having to settle down quickly and catching up on missed lectures, readings and assignments was too much for me to handle. At one point I really wanted to just pack my bags and leave, forget about what I wanted to pursue, forget about why I even bothered coming here in the first place. I REALLY WANTED TO LEAVE! 

There was an internal conflict for 2 weeks or so. I kept telling myself to be strong, I did it 5 years ago, I can do it this time - the final time! Although I was alone physically, I wasn't alone because God is here with me. But I guess somehow I overlooked that point and continued to dwell in the fact that I was alone! Desperate for some human interaction, I tried to rush home every day around the time when everyone would be online so that I could at least catch up with some of my friends. I even stayed home for 2-3 consecutive days when I didn't have classes, just so I could catch people online. LOL

However, this whole rushing-home-to-chat thing wasn't exactly working for me as I'm 8 hours behind Malaysian time and when my friends back home said good night one by one, I was yet again left feeling very lonely. So I stopped myself from doing things according to the time back home and just went with the flow - doing the things I need to get done and work at my own time and pace. I also told myself to truly experience Nottingham because I'd be here for only a year and 1 year is really a short time. I am sure that when the time comes for me to leave, I'd feel the unwillingness too as I create my own memories here - the good and the bad; the sweet and the bitter. 

Slowly I'm getting used to being alone (but not lonely) - I get to do everything at my own pace, not having to conform to others' schedules. I still remember how I always get so cranky when I'm being woken up by any of my family members. Nobody should ever mess with my sleep! Going grocery-shopping alone allows me to de-stress as I plan what to cook/eat that afternoon/night. But sometimes being alone has its down side. Walking on the street seeing happy groups of friends talking and laughing without a care in the world, I wish I was back home where I could do the same. I think I hardly laugh from the heart since I stepped foot on Nottingham, I've become more quiet and reserved that it scares me sometimes. Is this me? Is this really me? I feel like I have two sides of me - the crazy side and the reserved side. I can't even tell which is the real me anymore. Perhaps it depends whom I'm around with. 

On sunny days, I walk around the city with a big smile on my face feeling that nothing can ever put me down! It's funny how when I was back home, I complained about the heat a lot! I'm usually quite heat-tolerant but I just dislike the fact that I start to sweat even right after a shower. Since it rains here most of the time and the weather is often gloomy, I really really cherish sunny days a LOT! You don't know how happy I am on sunny days. I guess my classmate is pretty tired of hearing me say "OMG It's sunny today!!! I love it!" on every sunny day. HAHAHA 

Somehow today I woke up feeling a little blue without a reason. Maybe there is but I don't know what it is. It definitely cannot be PMS because it's history. lol. Maybe I'm starting to get homesick again...missing all the outings back home. I really miss just being myself, without being judged by my close friends. I'm also missing my bed terribly! T_T I've been having backaches every day when I wake up because of the mattress. I got it replaced but it's still not as firm as the one I have back home. *sigh*

So it's lunchtime again...gotta go cook!

XOXO

Me

Wheee!

Since my life has been deprived of some excitement, here are 3 things that excite me! :D

- I trimmed my bangs myself for the first time in my life! LOL I gave myself a haircut before in secondary school when my aunt who used to cut my hair was away on a holiday, and that was it. I got myself a haircut before I flew here but then I realised that my bangs were a tad long, and it'd be wayyy long by the time I go home next year. So I took matters into my own hands. Instead of spending 20 pounds to go to a hairdresser, I bought a thinning scissors for 4 pounds (which I could use over and over again in the future) from a pharmacy and trimmed my bangs. I didn't dare go too short, just in case it turned out bad.

- My friend is getting married in September next year and she invited me to be her jimui!! I've never been a jimui in my life....so I don't exactly know what a jimui does. However I'm still really excited!!! I'll make sure that I'll be back in Penang by then so that I don't miss another friend's wedding! *fingers crossed* :D

- It snowed a few nights ago but I missed it. Was already asleep by then. I'm still excited! I'm wishing for a white Christmas. I know, holidays are still far away and I'm already thinking about holidays! Ahhh!

Anyway, I'm so glad I'm finally writing happy posts!! Wheee!!!

p/s: Sunny days make me happy! It's sunny today!

XOXO,
Me

原来...

...我还没完全放下。

刚刚看了一位朋友面书上的相簿，看到了他们去骑脚车。当中有她和他。不知道为什么，照片中也没有特别的什么，但是我心里就是觉得不是滋味。也许，我的离开对你来说是一种释放......我觉得自己好傻，明知她永远会在你心中占着很重要的地位，而我却装作没这回事。在看喜剧的我不知不觉流下眼泪，也不知道是不是又想家了，还是为了别的事情。总之，身在国外的我特别容易流泪。唉，真讨厌这样的自己。虽然表面看起来好像什么事情都没有，但是当被一些事情刺激的时候又再发作。

还是一样

每次擦干眼泪，跟自己说加油！我好想好想就这样，躺在床上大哭，什么也不做，直到眼泪都哭干为止，然后再重新出发。但是，实际上时间紧迫，每次哭了就立刻擦干眼泪然后若无其事地继续做该做的事。不知道这样子能够撑多久......快要精神崩溃了。想当年我是多么地勇敢与独立，那个女孩跑去了哪里？怎么人长越大越懦弱？真是可笑！如果我能让脑袋停止想念那该多好，那一切就没事了！好久没有开怀大笑了，也没有尽情歌唱。在路上走着想要唱歌的时候发现那把嗓子好陌生，好像从来没听过，声音里也似乎隐藏着伤痛与寂寞。

在别人眼里我就是一个嘻嘻哈哈的开心果，只有真正了解我的人才知道我其实很多愁善感。哭也从来不会在家人面前哭，免得他们担心。还记得在机场时看见妈妈眼眶泛红，我为了压抑自己的情绪就用最快的速度走进boarding gate，不想当场大哭。

有是时候重拾心情去做功课了。

Up north

So I've been in Nottingham for 2 days, the first day was filled with mixed emotions. I guess everything just happened too fast. Really wanted to write here but was afraid that once I start I'd start to get emotional all over again. As I'm typing this, my eyes are starting to well up again. Ah, I can do this!

I could still remember so vividly how I felt heavy-hearted to leave Penang. After all, I was back home for more than a year after my undergraduate graduation. I was already so settled back home, with friends I've made while working. I experienced Penang so much more in just 1 year than I have ever experienced for the past 23 years. All the late-night supper outings, spontaneous breakfast/lunch dates, the annoying sound of my house phone,  the sound of TV from the living room, the sound of traffic just outside my bedroom etc. All the familiar sights and sounds are all gone. Argh!

_________________________________________________________________________________

Had a breakdown after typing the above. Anyway, classes have already started a week before my arrival so I was pretty busy settling down and catching up on missed lectures. So far there's not much progress and it's stressing me out. I thought I was fine until today, burst out crying sitting in front of the computer. I guess I suppressed my emo-ness for too long. To be honest, I'm not even sure if it's homesickness because I don't think of home that much. It's probably the lack of human interaction here, as I don't really mix around with the students here at my accommodation and I'm not into late-night drinking/partying. All I want is to have a conversation over a proper meal. Is that too much to ask for? And don't get me started on the time difference. I'm still trying to figure out how to keep in touch with friends and family back home as best as possible. I absolutely hate that feeling when I come home and everyone else back home has gone to bed. It sucks to the max! I guess this emo-ness is also part of my own doing. I guess I'm an introvert after all.

突然想用中文来表达。我今天才发现每次我出国就变得比较爱哭，虽然我本身不是一个爱哭的人。似乎小小的事情就可以让我感动流泪，这样的自己很可怕。太感性不见得是件好事，因为这样反而给自己带来伤痛。有时候走在街上看见令我惊叹的事物，好想转过去跟旁边人说“哇，你看！！！”才发现没有人在身旁，那种情绪又被收回了。这时，我就很想快速地飞奔回家上线，跟家里的朋友们会见。就因为这样，我突然有了想换智慧型电话的念头，想随时随地都能够被联络到。我也非常庆幸目前的我还单身，不需要经历远距离恋爱。我想，那种感觉真的不好受吧！

明天就是中秋节了。还记得以前在澳洲的时候，妈妈总是把月饼结冻等我回来吃。我临走前一晚，我的朋友们买了灯笼要给我践行，但是最后却没有去提灯笼。我看着那个没得提的灯笼，感觉有点沮丧。其实自己也没那么爱吃月饼，只是月饼和家里有牵连关系。虽然每个人为我加油给予我支持，但是心里还是觉得很闷，甚至有点要爆炸的感觉。如果我可以一次把眼泪哭干那该多好！

理智的我跟自己说你离家一年罢了，很快的就会回家了。唉！

That fleeting moment when...

....the thing that has been bothering you for weeks have been lifted and all you feel is joy! LOL If there's a prize for rotten judgement I guess I've already won it. You proved me wrong, that's why it's so easy to just let go and move on. Whoa! And...because of that I thank you for giving me the opportunity to open my eyes to the things that are more meaningful.

From now on, blog, I'll blog about happy/positive things! Emo posts begone!

Another week and I'm out of that tiring workplace! Can't wait...all this work is taking its toll on me - not good.

It's almost 1am *gasps* Time for bed. My comfy bed, here I comeeeee!

P.S.: I know, this post is just so random and jumbled up. A proper post soon.

XOXO,
Me

我们.....

.....是不是就这样从彼此的世界消失？

难道...

...我不知不觉地......?

应该是想太多吧！

Unknown emotion

I just woke up from a 3-hour nap, which was supposed to be only an hour. I guess it's the norm these days. If I don't take a nap in the afternoon, the next day I'd be a zombie. Taking naps in the afternoon actually reminds me of primary and high school so much. Those were the days when I came home from school, had lunch and plopped myself on the bed (without changing or taking a shower). Then I'd wake up just in time for dinner and after that would be homework. I don't remember ever taking an afternoon nap THAT long since after high school. When I went to uni, my sleeping habit was quite a healthy one - sleeping by 12am and waking up at 8am every day. I don't know what happened when I came home...that very strict routine of mine went down the drain. For the past week I've been trying very very hard to go to bed earlier at night but so far my effort seems futile because of my long afternoon nap.

I just realised I wrote a whole paragraph on afternoon nap. Riiiight. So, after 3 hours of sleep I'm sitting here feeling....weird. Don't even know this feeling/emotion. My mind is just so active yet so blank. Listening to Kana Nishino's Missing You and I think I might have assigned this song to a certain someone (CS). I am sure that in the future when I listen to this I'd think of CS. But then again, everything fades with time.

So, was supposed to have dinner with a friend but she ended up cancelling it because she felt tired. Well, it's not exactly a bad thing since I was feeling lazy to go out anyway. I guess deep down I'm a homey person? Like I don't mind people cancelling appointments UNLESS I woke up early for it OR I've already gotten all ready and waiting. Woke up to a dark house. No one to be seen or heard. Turned out my parents went to Tesco, without me! OK to be fair, they thought I was going out for dinner with my friend. *sigh* I so want to  go do some grocery shopping! Oh well...

It's finally Friday, the long awaited day. Finally, I can happily say that I'm counting down to the day I leave this workplace. I know I'll miss the children very much though sometimes they get on my nerves. But deep down I actually do love them (although I complain about them a lot). LOL Children...I so need to have the mind of little children - simple and innocent. The adult world does make things complicated. Children are so fearless and carefree. I remember being just like that but as I grew up, I struggled to keep my identity whilst trying to fit into the adult society. Oh, the struggle. I remember how people used to tell me to appreciate my uni life because when you step into the workplace, it'll never be the same. Come to think of it, I'm glad I started working at Popular. It was my first job ever, though part-time. I got to meet friends whom I'm still in touch today and I got to experience the retail industry. Don't think I'll go into said industry in the future. Then it was the job after that. Having only 4 people, including me, in the office, I still had my fair share of fun moments with my colleague and superior. However, if I had to describe my second job in 2 words, they'd be boring and monotonous. I literally kept checking the time, hoping that the hands on the clock would miraculously point to the numbers 5 and 6. After I left my second job, I finally got to experience the gossiping and backstabbing thing that often occur in the workplace. I tried so hard to keep my head up and not drown in the culture and I got tired of it. Maybe that's why I just can't wait to leave. No more fake smiles/greetings. Funny thing is, my usual talkative self managed to keep mum when some teachers complain to me about the other teachers. I'm just so impressed with myself. So top tip to survive at workplace: NEVER conform to the culture and stay true to yourself  (I know, it sounds so cliche but it's true!).

Like I said I don't know what/how I'm feeling at the moment. As I reread this post, I realised I already wrote an essay. Oh and how fragmented this post is. Each paragraph is just so unrelated to the other paragraphs. So on another unrelated note, another friend is sending my dinner over! Whee...suddenly feel so loved. Hehe...Best part is I don't have to step out of the house yet I get to have dinner in the comfort of my own home. :D

I think I have babbled enough...for now.

XOXO,
Me

身为朋友......

......很多时候我不知道该对你说什么才好。虽然你说只希望有个人聆听你诉苦，但是看到你这副憔悴又沮丧的模样就真的有点难受。

我明白不管我说什么也没用，因为我一点也不了解你的感受。你问我，为什么你身边的人都不说点正面的话，其实他们也不是故意说负面的，只是你现在的心情就是听不进去任何的话。

你早已经明白很多事情，只是迟迟无法放开、前进，为的是你们之间有实在太多回忆让你爱不释手。所以，我已停止问你你好不好。我知道当你需要我这个朋友聆听的时候你自然会找我.....我总怕说错话，让你更难过。

你说你多希望像我单身快乐、无忧无虑的。但是你不知道单身的我烦恼还真多，哈哈！我看起来快乐，也许是我铁石心肠吧！我一旦决定的事情，就不会再多逗留一会儿。虽然内心很痛苦，还是很理智的活下去！我不想因为一些事情而影响了我所可以得到的未来，我绝对不能对不起我自己还有爱我的家人。

很多时候我好想狠狠骂醒你，但我了解你自己也不想这样。况且我没有真正的失恋过，所以没有资格骂你。你现在需要的是时间......让时间冲淡一切，让你习惯没有她的日子。我相信在世界某个角落，你的真爱正在那里耐心地等你。那么你也要慢慢调回你的心情，重拾自己为你那未来的女人做好准备。在你遇到她的时候，你会看回去谢谢今天的她。如果不是今天的她，你也不会遇到她。

她说得对，也许以后还会有机会在一起。那么你可以把这句话存放在心里，抱着希望放手。如果真的在一起了，至少你没有浪费你的生命做些无聊的事；就算没在一起，也至少你已准备迎接新的恋情。

What happens when you fall for the wrong person?

*sigh.

This is barely a post. LOL

It kills me...

...to see you online but both of us are not talking. =/